The 7th Level of GSB Hell

Even Dante Alighieri would protest

By: Paul Jan

Posted: 10/14/04

This is my first and hopefully not last submission to Chicago Business. I wish I could say this column had some sort of larger purpose, but the truth is that I have a lot of observations and I just want you to read about them. Going forward, you can tell me about your observations, and I will attempt to either address them or publicize them in future submissions.

First, what's up with the clocks in the HPC? I understand that it's going to take some time to get things up and running, but it seems to me that functioning clocks would be one of the first priorities. At least three times this week I found myself late for prior commitments because I thought it was only 12:00.

San Francisco-types, New Yorkers, and hip Chicagoans will know exactly what I'm talking about when I mention "Craigslist". When I lived in San Francisco, I used it to find a sublet, an apartment, and someone to spank me. Since arriving in Chicago, I've used it to find furniture and sell my calculators. Recently searching using the keywords "Hyde Park" in the "women seeking men" section, I yielded two results, as of October 4. If people in Hyde Park are using the internet to find dates, I would like to know about it. Otherwise, I might have to get a date the old-fashioned way i.e., trick someone, face-to-face, at a sing-along, into going out with me.

Those of you who work out in Ratner know that the televisions have not been working for the past few days. Apparently, someone stole the splitter. What kind of person deprives hundreds of people of Fox News, EPSN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic, and ESPNews while they're working out? I would like to know. I'd also like to know why we can't get CNBC or CNN to temper the fair and balanced reporting we're getting from Fox.

Presentation-hopping should be an Olympic sport. Well, it should at least be sanctioned by the NCAA. After all, if stock-car racing is a sport, presentation-hopping should be accorded the same status. To be an effective presentation-hopper, you have to be organized and nimble. General athleticism helps, but at the end of the day, technique will always win, so be sure to practice, practice, practice.

I've never eaten so much presentation food in my life. I believe that a significant fraction of the $37,000+ I'm paying to go here subsidizes the albacore tuna sandwiches. I may have to take evasive action soon: since I started attended presentations, I've gained three pounds. Perhaps the GSB would agree to cut my tuition by a couple grand if I promised to stop raiding the investment banking presentations for mini crab cakes.

The other day, I was sitting in a presentation, and a clever GSBer asked the presenter, "Do you think being global is an asset?" I almost fell out of my chair. I suppose any one of us can have a Kellogg moment.

Tonight, after yet another presentation, I went to the bathroom in the basement of Ida Noyes. There was an old man in there standing in his red underwear with one foot in a sink. His clothes were bundled up next to him in another sink. I have no idea who he was but I'm pretty sure he didn't make tenure.

Someone has my name tent. Please give it back.