Interim Dean Doug Skinner took his first full breath of air today after nearly eight months of anxiously awaiting his replacement as leader of Chicago Booth.
By: Patrick Burke, ‘17
HYDE PARK, CHICAGO - In a shocking revelation, the University of Chicago Booth School of Business was revealed to be an elaborate Ponzi scheme this week. The Federal Bureau of Investigation released an explosive report detailing what seems to be the largest fraud of its kind since the Bernie Madoff scandal.
Underpinning the Ponzi scheme is what investigators have coined as the Booth “Pay it Forward” culture, in which current, paying students are encouraged to attract new students. Each batch of students attracts the next year of students, enabling a massive, perpetual scheme. Agents said each student pays upwards of $200,000 over two years, receiving only a signed piece of paper at the conclusion of the scam.
The use of free labor to attract new victims seems to set this case of abuse apart from previous cases. “It seems they don’t actually use any of their own employees to keep the operation going,” said Agent Darren Kipke. “These poor, poor kids do it all for them. I’m reminded of the Nike factories we busted in Malaysia all those years ago. So sad.”
Interviews with current victims reveal that they are trained to use several techniques to lure in future victims, including informational phone calls, coffee chats, screening interviews, and even personal tours of the Booth campus. So indoctrinated are the current students that they cannot discern this predatory behavior from what they’ve been told is simply “paying it forward.”
Each year Booth attracts over 500 new victims, putting the total value of the scheme into hundreds of millions of dollars over the years. Making matters worse, victims are often encouraged to incur personal debt to pay Booth. Records show that Booth even provided discounts to victims who weren’t able to pay the entire $200,000, with what they called “scholarships”.
The investigation was set off by former Dean Sunil Kumar’s sudden departure. Smelling blood in the water, the top administrator at Booth is rumored to have been scared into an early departure from his preeminent position. So concerned was he for his safety and security that he took a lesser position at a community college in Baltimore, Maryland.
“We started investigating when we heard Kumar had left,” said Kipke. “It made no sense to us that he would step down from Booth, especially just as it was being recognized across the world as the best business school in most categories.”
But it was accounting mastermind Doug Skinner that resumed the pyramid scheme right where Kumar left off. “You’ve never seen financial statements so masterfully manipulated. We didn’t know where to start,” said Kipke. “I guess in hindsight, there was no reason for Booth to have hundreds of millions of dollars in capitalized leases.”
Despite the Ponzi scheme, Booth graduates are actually among the most sought-after MBA candidates in the world. Investigators attribute the Ponzi scheme’s success to the quality of the social environment that administrators created at the school. Their use of costume parties, free coffee and biscotti, and cleverly named Friday afternoon happy hours were enough to keep the victims blissfully ignorant.
Patrick Burke is a second-year MBA student at Booth. He is grateful for Dean Kole’s sense of humor over the past 18 months and still wants his signed piece of paper in June.
By: Joseph Cherukara, ‘18
As part of our mission of providing information that matters, we ran a Google form on the unofficial Facebook group over the last two weeks to collect questions that you were two embarrassed to ask as 2nd/5th quarter students but desperate to know the answers to. Below is a selection of your questions and our answers.
What is ChiBus? Why are you spamming the Facebook Group?
As the oldest [Citation required] and most respected [LOL] business school newspaper, ChiBus (Chicago Business) has a tradition of publishing the most important news that affects Booth and the student community, or whatever anyone who passes the relevant editor $5 wants. The humor column deserves special mention - while others reported Paul Revere’s historic ride, we got an exclusive with his horse. While the Washington Post blithered about lapses in hotel security in 1974, we covered the biggest story of the year, and indeed our history. “Beergate” was a massive scandal revolving around the machinations of the political elite to make a change in the Ida Noyes Pub timings and set a benchmark for investigative journalism in the country. In more recent times, our coverage of elections has received much critical acclaim as well as one Pulitzer prize for the 2008 social media quiz “Which Democratic/Republican primary contender are you?”.
Why do we have a historic rivalry with Kellogg?
Why? Why? Why does good hate evil? Why does humanity love freedom? Why did Harry Potter fight Voldemort? Because some villainy is too dark to ignore. Our hatred is driven by innumerable factors. Purple is a cheap knockoff of Maroon. Fluffy feelings can never compare with hard math in an MBA curriculum. A mascot called “Willie the Wildcat” sounds less like a lovable symbol and more like something from the Big Book of Innuendo.
Why is it called the “Winter Garden”?
The Rothman Winter Garden is to Booth what Winterfell is to the Starks - the seat of our power, a bulwark against the forces of ignorance and a majestic, towering architectural feat. Most importantly, it is a brutal reminder that like the North in GoT, Chicago is basically an icicle that Nature occasionally chooses to dab a little green paint on . As you look up to the mighty arches shielding you from the harsh reality outside, you’ll probably think wistfully at least once about the Haas/Anderson admit you turned down. Stay strong! You may have lost the sun and the sand, but Booth is so much more of a better fit for you than a place where they have to learn what a Barista Jam is and wear lumberjack shirts and glasses so large they look like a meerkat everyday.
We’ve heard of Section X. Is there a Cohort X?
Yes. Little is known about them apart from the fact that they are invite only, laze around in The Geneva Inn sipping drinks with umbrellas in them while everyone else does low ropes during LOR and meet once a month in the Quadrangle Club to perform elaborate rituals before a portrait of John Rockefeller. The mandatory dress code includes a polo T-shirt, white shorts/skirt, a sweater tied around your neck and aviators. You can wear only pink on Wednesdays, jeans only on Fridays and CANNOT wear a tank top on two consecutive days.
What is where on the classroom floor?
The biggest lie humanity has been told is that we are unique snowflakes that matter and that our lives have meaning. The second biggest lie is the “You are here” dot on the classroom floor maps. Attempting to follow the maps is a lot like playing Russian Roulette in Alice’s Wonderland. You could end up in the wrong room with nothing worse than being part of a behavioral study that offers you a chance at a bottle from Richard Thaler’s wine collection. Or you could be lost forever to that mysterious dimension where everyone’s name tags/ties/heels disappears exactly five minutes before the McKinsey Corporate Conversation.
How did TNDC begin?
Every great tradition demands an origin myth. Unlike the Ancient Greeks, TNDC’s origins do not begin with heroes slaying monsters or people flying close to the sun. No, it began with the secret source of every MBA’s power, that magical sauce that converts us from engineers, analysts and lawyers to future titans of every industry - Excel’s Goal Seek. Specifically, with the first TNDC co-chairs who realized that with the flexible curriculum, the concept of the “weekend” was an ideal, an aspiration and not a set date. After some heavy number crunching, TGIF was replaced with TNDC as Thursday was the “optimal” day for scheduling parties after accounting for long weekend travel plans, midweek blues and the rare tryhards who insisted on scheduling Monday classes.
How exactly are admission results determined?
Like all business schools, Booth follows a complicated subjective system that evaluates each candidate independently and understands that everyone is unique with their own strengths and weaknesses. LOL, we’re just kidding. 10% GMAT score, 20% written application, 20% interview performance and 50% on whether a dart that admissions fellows throws at random hits your application
By: Thomas Funk, ‘18
Rumor has it that years ago, back when it was still called Chicago GSB, the school was given feedback from employers that recent graduates were plenty smart but didn’t play well with others. If you were ever wondering why group projects are breaking out like measles at Disneyland, there’s your answer. Some, like myself, came from solitary jobs and are a bit rusty on the touchy-feely stuff. Whether you’re new to this or an old pro, a quick refresher can’t hurt. Here are some group work best practices gleaned from my own experiences and those shared with me thus far.
Be a manager. They say a good leader is a good follower. If that’s true, how is your group ever going to learn to lead with no one to follow? You’re concentrating in general management. Who better to manage the generalities of the project? Don’t sully yourself with the execution. While everyone else keeps their nose to the grindstone, you keep your gaze to the future. Your team will thrive under your careful tutelage and bask in the glow of your managerial expertise.
Be a starter. Finding a topic can be arduous. Luckily your team has you. You complete just enough to get the ball rolling. It would be ungrateful of them to start over after you put in all this time. Lay the foundation and then disappear into the night. You’ve done your part and it wouldn’t be fair to the others if you did more. Everyone deserves the opportunity to pitch in and you are giving them just that. For the rest of the quarter.
Be a finisher. It’s the tiny details that can transform a good project into a great one. By removing yourself from the bulk of the work you can swoop in at the end with a fresh set of eyes and save the day. When everyone else is exhausted and is ready to settle, you can point out all the glaring flaws. The best projects are worked on for weeks and then have everything changed at the last minute before hastily emailed seconds before they’re due.
Be flexible. Your groupmates will appreciate having someone who doesn’t get caught up in the minutia. You help the team by encouraging everyone equally. If anything comes down to a vote, don’t take sides. Your team will respect your openness. Their eyes may plead for you to just help move things along but their hearts are thanking you for not stepping on anyone’s toes.
Be resolute. The University of Chicago celebrates opposing views. Sure, some things are inconsequential but if they matter to you why not defend them? Sometimes the best path to progress is grinding to a halt while debating between 11.5 point Tahoma and 12 point Trebuchet… for the appendix… of the presentation notes that won’t be turned in.
Last but not least, be sensitive. If you have conflicts with your group members it is always important to remember their feelings. When talking through issues avoid accusatory language. Focus on the positive and lightly hint at the negative. This can make your aggression come off as more passive. Also consider alternatives to direct conversation like writing a carefully worded email or publishing a list of the team’s flaws in the school paper.
Obviously there is no single best way to work in a group. Just be yourself and focus on the task at hand. If you have follow-up questions or more helpful tips, come find me at the next weekly meetup to determine the best time to have a powwow to schedule a sit down to talk about team building.
By: Patrick Burke, Class of 2017
With time ticking down in her final year of business school, second year student Sara Lampkin is slowly realizing that time is running short for her to make good on several dozen half-hearted commitments made over the past five quarters and schedule several hundred more. Panged with a consuming sense of guilt and obligation, Lampkin has begun the process of scheduling dozens of happy hours, girls nights, TNDC pre-games, wine and movie nights, and lunch dates.
“It’s crucial that I spend one-on-one time with every person I’ve ever met at Booth,” contended Lampkin. “I’m really trying to cement each fleeting acquaintance into a deep and lasting friendship in the next few weeks.”
Close friends say they worry about ever seeing Lampkin again before graduation at the cost of her hectic social schedule. Experts say it’s physically impossible to schedule that many happy hours and not develop substance abuse problems.
With a new class of first years in the mix, many expect her list of happy hours to only grow. Friend and Commercializing Innovation teammate Gary Jobson recently witnessed her promising a Gilmore Girls binge night to her first year Random Walk group in the Winter Garden.
“Just don’t expect her to make good on that,” he warned sternly. “I’m still waiting on our final project celebration from last Winter. You’ll be watching Rory and Lorelai alone.”
Lampkin conceded she has a full calendar. “I’ve probably got between 60 and 80 verbal commitments from people to grab a drink at any given time. I usually schedule with the people I see on the Metra or in the MPP elevator lobby. Or anytime I see someone whose name I remember.”
“But how else will I figure out how everyone’s classes are going this quarter?” Lampkin lamented. “And what classes they’re taking next quarter? And where they’re going for Spring Break? Or if they’re taking time to travel after school!?!”
“She’s been handing out invitations like they’re condoms at an undergraduate wellness clinic,” said cohort squadmate and close friend Candice Bullard. “I just heard her the other day at LPF asking a complete stranger to grab a glass of wine soon. While they were both holding glasses of wine! For Christ’s sake I’ve been waiting for over 14 months for our happy hour at Ida Noyes!”
But pressed on whether or not they actually want to catch up with Lampkin, her friends all responded similarly.
“Well… I guess not. All we’re going to talk about is my classes this quarter and what I’m taking next quarter. Or where I’m traveling for spring break and the summer. We’ll probably end up making small talk for a few more minutes, trash talking the first years a little bit, and then we’ll both pretend like we have some ‘homework’ to do,” said Bullard.
“You know, in the end, I really don’t even really like the girl,” she admitted. They are tentatively scheduled to grab a drink at Howells and Hood in two weeks.
Patrick Burke is a second year MBA student at Chicago Booth, scraping the bottom of the barrel for topics to satirize. He has plans to catch up with Sara Lampkin next quarter.
By: Patrick Burke, ‘17
ACT for Booth, the dark-horse GBC slate, won the Executive Board election last Friday in a shocking upset after a four-day-long, highly unconventional, populist campaign. Many had written off the underdog slate as inexperienced, unprepared, and unfit for the responsibilities of the Graduate Business Council. Nevertheless, the new leadership team takes office today and is expected to immediately set a new direction for Chicago Booth.
The ACT for Booth slate ran on a set of questionable campaign promises, with a central tenet focused on banning all tortilla and rice-based dishes in Kovler Cafe. And while the other competing slates were focused on principles of inclusivity and transparent communication, ACT for Booth struck a darker tone. Their divisive slogan “Make Booth Quant Again” was only trumped by their more controversial rallying cry to “send the marketers back to Kellogg”.
Just hours into its administration, ACT for Booth has been questioned on their use of “alternative facts”. Despite their insistence that their campaign table had “the biggest, hugest crowds the mail folders have ever seen,” photographs show their table lacked any visitors at all. The other two competing slates offered free coffee and chocolates to lure potential voters. ACT for Booth, on the other hand, only handed out maroon hats with their embroidered campaign slogan. The hats were allegedly designed and manufactured at the Beijing School of Management.
The ACT for Booth slate has also drawn the ire of many human rights advocates and civil liberties groups. In one particular campaign speech, ACT for Booth leadership openly mocked a disabled ChiBus writer who suffers from male pattern baldness. ACT for Booth has also publicly threatened retribution to news outlets that openly criticize the size of their tiny, tiny hands.
In its first full day in office on Monday, the administration announced several shocking policy changes, including the cancellation of the foreign exchange program, the dismantling of the OUTreach student group, and a repeal of the controversial U-SHIP insurance program. Critics claim that hundreds will be left without health insurance and Pink Parties.
ACT for Booth has also promised the construction of a 20 foot-deep moat around the Harper Center, which they insist will be paid for by the criminal gangs in Hyde Park. Opponents say that students will be forced to front the bill through higher tuition, and gang leader Cuz Droze reiterated on Friday that his organization “ain’t pay for shit.” Cuz Droze has also reportedly cancelled his highly anticipated summit with ACT for Booth, scheduled to occur next Wednesday in study room C52.
The ACT for Booth victory comes as a shock as dozens of school-wide polls showed the Simplifly slate as the clear front runner just hours before the election. Clearly demoralized and upset after their loss, the entire Simplifly slate was later seen hiking along the Lakeshore path where a sympathetic voter snapped a picture with them, later posting it to social media with the hashtag “#LoveTrumpsACT”.
Underlying the historic upset is Booth’s unique system of electing its leaders, whereby votes are physically cast by students, immediately lit on fire, and thrown into a garbage can. The winner is then chosen by Deputy Dean Stacey Kole by spinning a giant roulette wheel after a few glasses of wine.
No one knows for sure what ACT for Booth holds in store for the future of Booth, but students and other business schools alike will watch closely as the next step in our student democracy unfolds.
Patrick Burke is a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist. His latest investigative work sheds light on the plight of under-employed housewives of San Jose, California and their impact on the Great American Whipped Cream Shortage of 2011.
By: Joseph Cherukara, ‘18
Ah, the Winter Quarter. There’s something about the gloom and cold that brings out the worst in us. First years can be heard heatedly arguing about the advantages of one consulting framework over the other. Wiser, calmer, and more restrained second years nearly come to blows on whether Westworld or Black Mirror is the better show. Meanwhile your entire family suddenly wants to know if you’ll ever get a job/get married/have kids/stop wetting the bed/quit cocaine. But in the midst of the gloom, both inside Booth and without, we at Chibus have gathered together the most heartwarming (sort of) news stories from the last two weeks and the winter break to cheer you up.
Round 1 Admission Results Are Out: We look forward to a very accomplished, driven and fun class of 2019. As ever, we are sure they have stratospherical GMAT scores, claim extraordinary professional accomplishments, balance saving the world with several hobbies, and chew up advanced financial models. They will come in with bright eyes and the belief that no challenge is too large for them to tackle. Then they’ll take Advanced Micro. All dreams must die.
Scandals on the Ski Slopes: We would love to have given you a blow-by-blow account on what happened at Telluride, but unfortunately our investigative journalist on the spot got inexcusably drunk instead of doing his job, so all we can offer are juicy rumours. Maybe there are videos of First Years falling down the baby slopes going viral on the 2Y GroupMe. Maybe there were hookups we could talk about. Maybe not.
The Search Panel: For those of you have the intranet as your Home Page (talking to you straight-A crowd), you know there’s a prominent banner advertising the Search Panel. For those of you wondering how the search is going, worry not, we’ve got you covered. And by covered we mean we have one data point. And by data we mean the shit we made up. In the formal feedback of one candidate, a panel member wrote “X has just 50 papers, a history of leading a second-tier school and no chance of winning a Nobel prize. Worst of all he got an MBA from K******. This committee’s time would have been better spent watching cat videos set to Justin Beiber’s songs than than evaluating X”. We look forward to the their eventual selection - no doubt a triple Olympian, savant, and visionary who will lead us to new glory.
Oscar Nominees Have Been Announced: Suddenly everyone has seen La La Land and nods knowledgeably when someone mentions how “Arrival epitomises Kubrick’s style of art-driven science fiction”. Dhar’s assignments have taken second priority to discussions on whether Affleck’s mumbling is symbolic of our nostalgia for a simpler, happier time or merely whether his grade school teachers failed to teach him English.
Joseph Cherukara is a 1Y who, after 2 quarters at Booth, now believes that his only viable career option is the first ChiBus correspondent for life.
This summer, Harvard Business Publishing will release Cassie Kull’s hotly-anticipated memoir that traces the darkest days of the Littlefield Technologies’ company 2SupplyChainz, Inc. and reveals the true story behind one of modern management’s greatest almost-comeback stories. ChiBus got an exclusive first excerpt from the blockbuster book.
Day 149, 7:00 PM
“GODDAMMIT MOTHERF***ER, F#$%*ING F%^& F*^%!,” bellowed Lori Knapp, Executive Vice President of Operations for 2SupplyChainz, the Littlefield Technologies manufacturer, as she burst through the conference room doors, hurling her laptop at the flat-screen TV across from her. She chucked her phone after it for good measure. Cassie Kull, Conor Flanagan and Hao Ning, all EVPs of Operations at 2SupplyChainz, looked on, their faces frozen in horror, as the state-of-the-art technology seemed to float in slow motion through the air until it met with the TV in an audible crunch.
On the rainbowed, pixelated screen it was still possible to see the devastating news that had sparked Knapp’s outburst. Fortune, Forbes, The Wall Street Journal, the FT, BusinessWeek, US News and World Report and Cosmopolitan had published their annual company rankings and 2SupplyChainz was dead last in every poll—the worst company in the world. Early that morning, President Trump announced he would send the company to Mexico, to hundreds of thousands of likes and retweets.
2SupplyChainz had gone bankrupt not 5 days after Knapp, Flanagan, Kull and Ning were promoted to EVPs. They endured a 100-day factory shutdown during which time their cash dwindled to zero and their idle workers ran rampant in the facilities. Rumors swirled about re-order quantities that had essentially used up all the available cash…but no one could quite believe such incompetence. The office of 2SupplyChainz’ CEO René Caldentey insisted to the press that “at the moment, we have drawn no conclusions about our financial condition, nor do we relate it to the recent promotion of [the four individuals].” Nonetheless, the mood in the conference room was tense.
By no small miracle, 2SupplyChainz had persuaded an equally desperate bank to extend them credit. The four EVPs had spent the preceding days chained to their laptops, checking Facebook and drawing up the bullet proof plans that they hoped would catapult them to the top of the charts, or at least ahead of their fiercest competitor, Do Nothing Inc., where the managers proudly let the company run itself.
Seated around the conference table under a portrait of the lushly-goateed Caldentey, they presented their strategies. Ms Kull was first. “I decided to look at queuing theory,” she stated, haltingly. “Unfortunately I was on Gchat during our in-house presentation--so I had to use Wikipedia to develop a model of non-preemptive priority queuing.” The room nodded, worried that their skepticism resulted from not knowing the first thing about queuing theory. “But it wasn’t until I read The Goal,” she continued, her voice growing agitated, “that I really found the key to our problem!”
The mood in the room had suddenly shifted. “Yes!” shouted Ning, “The Goal is where I found our optimal batch quantity, as well as the most efficient order quantity and reorder levels!” “It’s uncanny,” muttered Flanagan, “you won’t believe this, but page 270 of The Goal, is where I discovered how we can maximize our machine purchase synergies to ensure consolidated ultimate capacity utilization, ungodly throughput levels and speed of light cycle time!”
The team stared at each other. Thank God someone had read The Goal.
Flanagan’s phone danced on the table—recently married, he hadn’t seen his wife for the 5 days he had spent on this quest for operational nirvana. As he left the room, to return to the arms of the woman he loved, he stared into the eyes of each of his team members one-by-one. It was almost uncomfortable. “Can I trust you, with this critical transaction?” They nodded. D-Day was mere hours away, at 2am. The meeting broke so the team could take their much-needed showers.
Day 150, 2:00 AM
At the proverbial moment of truth, Knapp and Kull fell asleep, quite literally on the job, exhausted from their hours of Excel modeling and dancing at Bar Deville (Ed. not in River North). Hao Ning was the only man left standing. Facing the delirium of sleep deprivation, he seized the tiller with an iron grip and launched 2SupplyChainz back into the turbulent waters of commerce, in the dogged pursuit of that ever-fickle mistress, Profit.
Cassie Kull is a 2Y who gratefully accepted her undisclosed grade in Operations.
After what seemed like a lifetime, colder weather has finally set in for Chicago, and Boothies are embracing the change with open arms and baggy sweaters. Following an unseasonably warm autumn, temperatures have consistently plunged below 55 degrees, the universally accepted sweater threshold.
“Let’s just say I’m happy my college hoodie has come back into the rotation. After ordering Seamless every night for 10 weeks at my banking internship, I’ve got a softer dad-bod than Leo,” said second-year Boothie Markus Tinley. “Loaded truffle fries are the best and worst thing to ever happen to me and it’s only going to get worse.”
While most students focused on maintaining a professional demeanor at their previous jobs or internships over the summer, many have indicated that they intend to stop focusing on their personal appearances altogether.
“It’s about damn time,” said first year student Gretchen McAffee. “I’ve been shaving my legs for what feels like ages now. Time to slap on the yoga pants and let these tree trunks grow back to their god-intended state. They don’t call me Chewbacca back home for nothing.”
McAffee remarked that she would also stop applying makeup and has put her hair dryer and straightener up for sale on the 2017-2018 Booth Facebook page. “I honestly don’t expect to wear a bra more than three or four times between now and April,” she confided.
Tinley said he would soon cancel his Lakeshore Fitness membership, stop showering, and cease doing his laundry altogether. With his new free time, he plans to pursue his real passion: pizza.
“Domino’s has really made this all so easy,” continued Tinley. “I just ordered two large Hawaiian pizzas, stuffed cheesy bread with bacon and jalapeno, and a pan of warm chocolate brownies using Twitter. And you know I got ranch dipping sauce for everything.”
Chicago winters are notoriously frigid and put to an end most outdoor activities. With the beach days in past, students are eager to start bingeing on carbs on Netflix shows.
“It’s nice to know that I can curl up under a blanket to stay warm and hide my quickly swelling butt,” said McAffee. “Besides, I figure if I watch one episode of Gilmore Girls per hour, I can stave off boredom, forget about my responsibilities, and live in a world of quirky whimsy for a couple of days straight.”
Said Tinley: “I also plan to gradually descend into alcoholism over the next few months. I’ll inevitably lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel and turn to the bottle, which usually makes me feel better for at least a short time before the habit turns into complete dependency.”
Boothies seem to have supported each other’s decisions to let themselves go. In a display of solidarity, students agreed to avoid spring break plans with any destinations requiring bathing suits or revealing clothing of any kind. Iceland and Nova Scotia are rumored to be top destinations in 2017.
“I figure I can parlay this slovenly lifestyle right into graduation. Those cap and gown combinations are really quite flattering, with all the pleats,” said McAffee optimistically.
Patrick Burke is a second-year MBA student at Chicago Booth and Grammy Award winning recording artist. His spoken word hit “Worcestershire Saucey” is widely praised as a political statement on the oft-forgotten 1980’s hoof-and-mouth disease epidemic in rural Connecticut.
Booth sent Apple a tuition bill for Siri, who has been overheard in multiple classes talking out of turn.
In holiday spirit, mugging victims have been giving a bit extra to their attackers in the month of December.
Students petitioned GBC to replace apples in Harper Center with Pedialyte on Fridays following TNDC.
Adult children look forward to watching movies with parents in silence, endlessly browsing social media over the holidays.
Republicans reignited the debate over whether the Earth is round or flat. The Heritage Foundation released research supporting the notion of a two-dimensional planet.
Man misses thrilling final episode of Westworld after his ex-girlfriend’s brother’s neighbor’s parents changed their HBOGO password.
Christian congregations are reminded to keep Jesus in mind during the holiday season; faithful wonder which color and style of Apple Watch messiah would have wanted.
Conspiracy theorists mistakenly protest outside of pizza parlor after “Illuminati” was autocorrected to “Lou Malnati” in monthly newsletter.
Chicago Business Humor Editor wonders if anyone actually reads the newspaper, publicly questions his extracurricular choices.
By: Patrick Burke, Class of 2017
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the face of losing the popular vote, and with half the country still in disbelief, Donald Trump announced that he would step down from the presidency on Monday. In making his decision, he cited the thousands of Facebook posts calling for his resignation.
“I’d like to sincerely thank everyone for their outpouring of emotional rants, pictures of themselves crying, and sad emoji faces on Facebook,” said Trump. “Without you spurring to action like this online, I would have never known to step down.”
Trump said it was the first time he had stepped back and examined what the public actually thought about him. “I’ve just had my Twitter app open this whole time on my phone and never saw any of your posts!” he said.
In a statement released Monday, Trump said he would instead use the next four years to do some soul-searching, start a legitimate charitable organization for migrant workers, and mend international relations alongside former President Jimmy Carter.
Trump’s inner circle supported the decision. “This definitely seems like the right thing to do,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie between donuts. “To be honest, we really didn’t have any idea how to be president. It was a sort of a ‘whale-out-of-water’ situation.”
“I truly had no idea people were so upset,” said a bewildered Trump. “Had I known people thought I was this unfit for the presidency, I would have never run in the first place!”
Trump is enacting the little known Franklin-Templeton clause in the Constitution to resign from the position of President-elect. The rule also allows Trump to use special, one-time executive powers.
Before resigning, Trump said he would enact several executive orders based on popular social media topics. “It sounds like the people want common sense background checks for guns and stronger environmental protections, so I’ll go ahead and enact those,” said Trump.
Trump is also expected to unilaterally overturn Citizens United, amend the Constitution to provide universal healthcare, and appoint a younger, scientific clone of Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Supreme Court.
“Donald Trump has demonstrated a real mastery of Constitutional law with this maneuver,” said Professor Janet Frankenmuth of the U of C Law School. “And it appears he has undertaken all of this without the help of any legal scholars or aids. He really has an intricate understanding of our legal and political systems.”
This occasion marks the first time the full extent Franklin-Templeton clause will be exercised. The rule dictates that the office of president remain vacant while the country undergoes another 18 month presidential election, starting immediately.
Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum, Rand Paul, and Mike Huckabee have indicated that they plan to run. Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.
Patrick Burke is a ChiBus Editorial contributor and member of the White House Press Corps. He has not left his bed since election night.
By: Joseph Cherukara, Class of 2018
As recruitment ramps up and winter quarter bidding begins, are you one of the few first years still looking to paint the town red? Want to become a Booth legend but unsure how? Worry not, for we are proud to announce the 2017 ChiBus Challenge, the premier event of the school year, where first years battle for money, glory, and meet-and-greet slots. Second years who missed out last year and are FOMO-ing now are welcome too. Just win points by completing the following challenges to go down as one of the greatest legends of your class.
Entrepreneur (500 points): No, not NVC. Booth may have a Wine Club and an Epicurean Club, but what the world really needs today is a Booth Kale Aficionados Group. Collect 5 signatures through a Change.org petition and organize a sit-in at the Winter Garden until Stacy Kole and the other top brass green-light a top Brassica Group. Acceptable alternates include the South-West Monaco Business Group and the Booth Pacman players Group.
Extreme Survivor (Vegetarians: 1000 points, Everyone else: 200 points): Eat nothing but free food for one week. By the end of the week, you may be permanently labelled “The Student Lounge Hobo” and firmly believe that a meal consists of a sandwich, chips and a cookie, but that’s $140 off student debt, FTW! Vegetarians who live to tell the tale, you have an inexplicable, boundless love for either eggplant sandwiches or plain cheese pizza.
Career Explorer (300 points): Passionate about the burgeoning second-hand light sabre industry? Unfazed by the visa restrictions? Pursue your passion and scour GTS for all the jobs in the sector! Network with professionals at all the many, many conferences, corporate conversations and lunch and learns in the space. Six months later, watch all your friends jet off looking forward to their internships while you’re looking for happiness at the bottom of a bottle. Remember that business school is a wonderful place to switch careers and follow your dreams – so long as your dream is Consulting, Finance or Tech. Follow-up 2018 challenge (100 points): Overcompensate and recruit for Consulting and Banking simultaneously. Watch what remains of your social life die a quiet death.
Thursday Night Drinking Czar (400 points): Be the last to leave every TNDC throughout the year. On the plus side, you would have all the latest gossip even before we report it in this esteemed column. On the downside, you now lack a functioning liver and passing grades.
Money Back (200 points): Just spent the last class staring blankly into space while the three people in the first row seemed to be the only ones who understood what was happening? Feel that the famed academic rigour (and the over enthusiastic undergraduates) is too much for you?. Walk up to the Bursar’s office and ask politely for a refund. When they inevitably refuse, go back home, look up your outstanding loan amount and cry yourself to sleep.
Scrooge McPoint (100 points): Go through 3 quarters without spending a single bid point. At the end of the year, you will have 20,000 odd points that you can totally sell in the promising secondary market that is your class’s GroupMe group. Rejoice in the fact that while you haven’t learnt anything that you wanted to, you are now probably one of those mythical beings that beat the curve.
Students who accumulate more than 1300 points will be featured in the classroom level hall of fame, are entered as wildcard candidates into the Dean’s search list and, this is the most important, get an all access pass to a month’s worth of TNDCs.
By: Patrick Burke, Class of 2017
HYDE PARK - Facing declining membership, the Mothers at Booth student group recently began a drive for members. Despite its free membership and preferred access to the breastfeeding rooms on campus, traditional recruiting has not yielded the expected numbers.
“We lost a lot of great mothers with the Class of 2016,” said Mothers at Booth co-chair Lucinda Parks. “We’re desperate for new members. We even looked into recruiting our own mothers, which is apparently not allowed.”
With few new mothers to choose from in the Class of 2018, the student group has proposed its next best alternative: creating moms out of current students.
“We’re going to need everyone to pitch in and start making babies,” said Parks. “It’s really going to be a collaborative effort with our male students. Our girls simply can’t do it alone. Think of it as an extracurricular opportunity.”
Parks described the campaign as a 9-month initiative. “If worse comes to worse, we have a deal worked out with the local Hyde Park sperm bank, but in the end we’re counting on our students to do this the old fashioned way.”
To hasten the initiative, the Mothers at Booth group has agreed to sponsor a TNDC in late November. The group is touting free tequila shots and $1 Deep Eddy vodka drinks. AudioBooth will be spinning a full night of R. Kelly and Marvin Gaye classics. Large paper bags will be available at the exit.
The men at Booth seemed especially receptive to the idea. “This might be my chance,” said a grinning Walter Francisco. “Usually I just stare at girls and hope for something to happen. My mom said it’ll happen one day. Sounds like she was right!”
The Admissions Department has also been supportive of the campaign, offering discounts to potential future Booth students.
“We think this initiative might yield our highest qualified candidates ever for the Class of 2042,” said Kurt Ahlm, Associate Dean of Admissions. “The specifics aren’t final, but we’ve discussed discounts as high as $100 per quarter. We’re calling it the ‘Booth Bump’ program.”
Mothers at Booth is anxious to get started. “We can’t think of a more exciting opportunity for students than having a baby during these two carefree years,” said Parks.
By: Reid Miller, Class of 2018
1. Internships were more competitive.
During the tenure of W. Allen Wallis, when internships were just invented, the normal procedure was to create a thunderdome / highlander competition. Weapons were primarily slide rules and used accounting textbooks as shields.
2. The school motto was misheard.
The motto “Let knowledge grow from more to more; and so be human life enriched” was actually over misheard by a professor taking a walk. The true motto is “Let my sick gainz grow from more to more; and so be my fams’ lives enriched”.
3. International campuses were created for an important reason.
The need to escape the winter is real. The dean at the time gave a famous quote, “Sure, sure, being globally aware is great and all, but I don’t think they even get snow over there in Spain”.
4. The iBid system was created as an experiment.
The Psychology and Economics department worked together to determine a system that would both test the mental fortitude of the students as well as game theory. The movie Water World was loosely based on the resulting fall into chaos, using paper as a euphemism for bid points.
By Reid Miller, Class of 2018
1. Stand out in a crop circle.
Make sure you establish your dominance in a crop circle, intimidate not only your classmates but also the recruiter. Utilize boxing out and yelling - it is a battlefield. Leonardo de Connell gives his helpful hint: “When it’s an important event I put on a larger suit and stuff it with paper towels. I want to make sure I come across as imposing and physically large, like a monster of business.”
2. Perfect your handshake.
Let the recruiter know you are the person for the job by matching your hand shake with your job. Mary Cumberbunch’s favorite for her accounting interviews is the balance sheet shuffle – have a $20 bill tucked between your middle and ring finger, when they go in for the shake they know you're all about transactions.
3. Be cautious of how you interact with recruiters.
Being interested in their company can be a turnoff for recruiters, play it cool. Remember they are hiring you, give them more of a tease. If you seem too needy, they won’t think you have any other prospects.
4. Don’t ask questions.
Asking questions both shows that you are interested in the company and that you don’t know everything which makes you seem dumb; you don’t want any of that noise. In meet and greets, Career Advisor Jakob Chen says to stare them down and make sure they engage first, it’s all about you anyways.
5. Update your resume with the most important means of communication.
Your email, phone number, and address are outdated means of communication. Make sure you include your Instagram or Snapchat account. If the firm is an older one, include Facebook. Adding Venmo is also beneficial as that is the way you will be receiving your paycheck.
6. Learn everything you can about your recruiter.
Nothing says “welcome aboard” like blackmail, so make sure you get all the dirt you can--stalk them, hire a private investigator, do whatever you can to make sure you have the upper hand when it comes to your interview. Lucy Diaz says, “I utilized a honey pot method on Tinder and threatened to break up her marriage, was hired on the spot.”
First-Years begin furiously studying for the eventual B+ that everyone receives.
Study of Chalk system shows inverse correlation between user activity and job offers.
MCG co-chairs implement strict, emergency-only bathroom pass policy at recruiting events; members are encouraged to limit intake of fluids during recruiting season.
Donald Trump appeared uncomfortable and nervous in the town hall debate last Monday in his closest encounter yet with a room full of people not screaming derogatory chants.
Desperate second year student applies for McKinsey full-time position for senior janitorial associate; revises resume to focus on mops, brooms, shammies.
Non-Belgian Belgian Club co-chairs continue tradition of honoring Belgium with non-Belgian holiday celebration next week.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign employs a “simply don’t murder anyone or get caught doing cocaine” strategy to seal her election bid.
First-Year student with full SAT and GMAT scores listed in email signature still seeking Microeconomics homework group.
Locker rooms everywhere are rescinding their endorsements in the latest setback for Donald Trump.
First Coffee Hour with Dean Kole results in record amount of small talk endured, biscotti consumed.
CWiB grapples with Title IX lawsuit, considers allowing male members with longer hair and soft facial features.
CHICAGO - This Autumn will prove to be a historic one, as we learn who takes the top political office in 2017. The race lies between the first-ever female candidate and an outspoken, yet inexperienced businessman. Both candidates have historically low approval ratings, with only a slight edge in the polls over able-bodied Porsche owners who park in handicap spots.
Many claim the eventual victor has big shoes to fill, as the previous administration is credited with stabilizing the community, deepening our relations with China, and growing our stature both domestically and abroad. In fact, surveys reveal that many would have chosen to keep the previous administration for another four years, given the opportunity.
Nevertheless, Dean Kumar’s departure from Chicago Booth has left a void that must be filled. Experts across the University contend that Deputy Dean Stacey Kole fits the bill and would bring parity to a job classically held by older, nerdy men. But businessman and kangaroo enthusiast Dean Doug Skinner is neck-and-neck in the polls with his more experienced adversary.
Despite her years of experience and apparent grooming for the role, questionable use of a non-chicagobooth.edu email address has left Kole susceptible to criticism in recent months. Investigators have also uncovered a complex web of financial transactions in her philanthropic organization, the Kole Foundation, used to purchase buffalo chicken paninis and Frescas at Kovler Cafe.
Supporters say Kole’s candidacy represents hope for a new generation of Deputy Deans around the country.
“I want to give all the little girl deputy deans - and little boy deputy deans - the hope that they, too, can doggedly claw their way to the top of a patriarchal system and be the leader of a Southside Chicago business school,” said Kole in an exclusive ChiBus interview.
“But we can’t risk another four years of failed policies from an outsider accountant,” she continued. “Now, I’m not saying that Doug worked at Arthur Andersen in the early 2000s and contributed to massive ethical and economic failings, but I’m also not saying that he didn’t.”
Interim Dean Skinner was quick to fire back. “Listen mate, I don’t know if I even want the post. True blue, I don’t know. In fact, my wife might not even let me take it. The Sheila’s got me by the knackers, mate! But… maybe I’ll take it.”
“But maybe not,” he added.
The Booth community, and indeed the world, will continue watching eagerly as the race shapes up in the coming weeks.
Patrick Burke is a second-year MBA student at Chicago Booth. His hard-hitting journalism has been featured in The Guardian, The Globe, and Synthetic Shingles & Aluminum Siding Quarterly trade magazine.