Winter is always coming in Chicago, and Business school is all about money, sex, and leadership struggles.
Names have been redacted to prevent social ostracization…
You walk into the room and gaze at all the beautiful people. The night is young, and you make a quick stop at the bar, which you note is made of solid Wood.
As an admitted student, I remember attending First Day activities fair and seeing the Follies table. Carson Cunningham’s eponymous music video “Booth Crime” was playing on an iPad. I saw Eesan and Fred anxiously recruiting future Follies members…
Later this week, Round 2 admits and their partners will arrive to Chicago for a weekend of the royal treatment. Dozens of current students will be on hand as volunteers to make the event a success, in a true demonstration of Booth’s “pay it forward” culture.
Professor Geni Ustroll (pronounced jeeni-yus-troll), a renowned professor of Reverse Psychology at Chicago Booth received the Nobel Prize in March for his peerless research in the field of reverse psychology.
Spring at Chicago Booth is unique. Rather than ushering in warmth and blooming fauna, the new quarter seems to have introduced a different phenomenon: the sobering reality of about three hundred 1st years going through severe Spring Break withdrawal. Through ChiBus’s rigorous investigation, we have dug through literal dirty laundry to identify several concerning symptoms. The victims can be recognized via their uneven tans, injuries that they have no memory of, and in some cases: a reluctance to make eye contact with individuals they had a lot of other contact with.
Denial was rife amongst the afflicted population. We saw a number of victims trying to convince us (and themselves) that while they loved every minute of Spring Break, they couldn’t have spent another day at beach-front hotel in Cartagena eating fresh fruit and sipping frosty beverages with more than one syllable in their name. Instead, they were eager to get back to their sparsely furnished MPP apartments and participate in the endless elevator wait. We interviewed the victims in the aforementioned MPP apartments and also noticed the victims annoying their non-Colombia trekking roommates by providing commentary during Narcos viewings and acting like insufferable know-it-alls.
Subjects also seemed to want to relive past glories. A number of students spent hours going through their photo gallery, and either sighing wistfully or exclaiming in surprised delight upon finding yet another Boomerang of them dancing to Dura on a boat. Living up to stereotype, we also saw students obsessing over the perfect Instagram caption and wondering why their friends had more people liking their photos. In some severe cases of wanting to relive the experience, students were also observed going through their credit card statements and reminiscing about the minute details of their evenings. (In unrelated news, Venmo announced a new limited-edition product for Spring breakers).
Not all victims were reclusive though. There were those who were attempting to move forward with their lives despite their overwhelming belief that it was all downhill from here. The more academically inclined souls were perusing dictionaries and trying to understand if “Spring” in the Midwest meant something different than what it did elsewhere - This trait was particularly common for the international students, who hadn’t realized just how misleading American “English” really is.
There were also some brave souls who seemed healthy enough to connect with the larger society and engage in regular conversation – i.e. “how’s recruiting going”. Some students also feigned interest in other Spring Breaks, and enquired after their friends’ adventures in Patagonia. While they nodded enthusiastically and exclaimed appropriately, they later confessed that they failed to understand how that was a “break” at all, and whether they could trust the participants to make future life decisions.
The students furthest along on the recovery curve, and for whom we had the most hope, were those who trekked over to Harper, pretended to look interested during classes, and left the sanctuary of the Loop to go to TNDC. However, their recovery hit a setback when they looked around and realized that partying on land was so
2017 winter quarter
Sunday 28th January
On Friday, The University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business made history when it announced the opening of the world’s first ever automated check-out cafe. Speaking at the unveiling, a senior school official said “We revolutionized business education before when we were the first school in the US to offer PhD and EMBA programs. Ensuring our students have access to the best facilities in the world is just another example of us setting the tone for management education. Today the world watches closely, for we are not launching a food outlet, but the next great experience.”
As part of a tour of the facility the school conducted for journalists, this reporter took a cue from one of the signs put up and tried to fool the restaurant’s cutting edge technology by trying to sneak out a Hershey’s under the three layers of clothing that the pleasant, bracing winter mornings of Chicago necessitate… and succeeded. We at Chibus pride ourselves on how light-fingered we are unlike some of our less talented counterparts from the east coast who tried similar feats. However, this seemed an aberration and on the whole, the system seemed to work perfectly.
Speaking with journalists after the event, Chief Designer Geetika Belivardes walked us through some of the features of the cafe. “We have scanners at the door that detect the UChicago cards of each person entering – the cards don’t work on most doors and half the printers at Booth – but we managed to integrate them perfectly with our systems. Once the student picks something up and walks out, we automatically deduct their my.UChicago account (which currently records tuition, insurance cost, etc.) for their purchase. Pilots we ran show this actually increases consumption as it reminds students that they can stuff their faces till kingdom come and their expense will still be a rounding error compared to tuition. We also prevent students who have a class right now from entering so that we don’t encourage flakers. To address the needs of this late segment, we offer a ‘Maroon mode’ (only $100/month) where students can order through our app and get food delivered to all ‘C’ classrooms within an hour of purchase.”
While some stakeholders have expressed concerns on how their privacy would be affected, others were less worried. Said Jeremiah Spetson, a second year, full-time MBA student “The school having a few photos of me picking up something other than a healthy salad is not something that’ll keep me awake at night. If someone recorded some of my antics after the LATAM party last week on the other hand… #whyBooth. I’d take this loss of privacy any day over the discomfort of having to make small-talk with my Negotiations professor (the one who always cold calls me with unerring accuracy, just when I open GroupMe) for five minutes while waiting in the extra-long lunch lines.”
Finally, some have wondered what this means for Booth in the long-term. Is this a one-off improvement of facilities? Is this the ultimate answer to ‘Why are you here and not somewhere else?’? Or is this part of a long-term strategy to get on a P&Q list that reads something like “10 coolest facilities that MBA schools have”? Darien Kellorv, part-time “Innovation Sensei and Marketing Sorcerer” at a local startup and full-time podcaster put forward a different theory. “In an increasingly competitive MBA education market, one way that business schools can remain relevant is to diversify their product offering. I see this as Booth testing the e-Commerce and retail waters. I would not be surprised if a large scale acquisition – say of Mariano’s – is in the offing”. It remains to be seen whether this Seer of Management Strategy, this Viking of Customer insight is right, but everyone agrees that Booth has suddenly become a more interesting place.
With inputs from Vikram Sivakumar, Class of 2018
Spring quarter inches closer. First Years are eagerly looking forward to spring break and second years are already feeling nostalgic. A small group of our colleagues however are already working around the clock to launch great new companies as part of NVC. In this article, we review some of the most promising startups – from those looking to disrupt the vertical transportation market to a simply delicious juice stand – in this highly competitive pool.
ElevatorPass: Tired of waiting 10 minutes every morning for your apartment complex’s elevator? Want a little privacy coming back from TNDC? ElevatorPass guarantees you personalized access to the elevators (partnerships announced 10+ leading Loop complexes) when you need it. Because they know you’re your best when you’re on the go (potentially great tagline for a creepy ad). For high demand buildings they’re even providing modular elevator shafts that plug on to the emergency exits during peak traffic.
Market size: A plus
Our verdict: C minus. While a great idea, success will depend on developing both sides (apartments, users) of the platform.
SOMO (‘Stop Only Missing Out’): SOMO targets a very specific set of users – those who feel they’re missing out on a large part of Booth and want to do something. SOMO scans social media for the ‘hip’ events and sends you alerts for whenever the whyBooth hashtag is used. It even provides personalized recommendations on what events are right for you and how to navigate conflicting events.
Market size: C-
Our verdict: F. Eww, borderline creepy.
DailyPickup: DailyPickup is designed for people who never use the Metra, are fairly regular to class and are too gosh-darned lazy to book an Uber, every single time. Simply upload your class schedule and forget about it, DP will book a cab for you to reach just in time. You can even add preferred classmates so that you pool with your friends every day.
Market size: B+
Our verdict: C plus. While DailyPickup’s solution is really compelling, like the ChiBus, their target market is all of 10 people.
MiracleJuice: For those of you who can barely make it out of your apartment after a party, MiracleJuice offers a range of their completely organic, freshly pressed juices with closely guarded proprietary recipes that will pick you up after any party. Test users reported a 173% increase in productivity after using MiracleJuice.
Market size: A-
Our verdict: B. Lip-smacking product, but how do they differentiate themselves in the competitive market of healthy foods targeted specifically to MBA students?
In this new column, we take a look at things at Booth that are seemingly far beyond the realms of rationality. Today we look at one of the mainstays of industry groups.
Consider all the aspiring bankers who have looked desperately at their pants just before a corporate conversation and wondered anxiously if they were too “light”. The consultants who weighed the pros and cons of taking a bathroom break during a panel talk. The aspiring tech titans who showed up half an hour late for a lunch-and-learn after waking up at 11. Despite the differences in career tracks, there is one thing that keeps us all united – the dreaded no-show check. The subject of so many angry, pleading and minutiae-debating emails and the topic of so many Pulitzer (Pinocchio?) winning accounts of “I got there at 11:44 but the co-chairs had already shut the doors!”. Estimates show that 26.4% of all students have had at least one no-show check cashed during their time at Booth.
But the question arises, why do we still use no-show checks? This is after all, an age when former Pet.com investors pontificate on Twitter on the “growth of the nouveau riche, the pointlessness of the salary person rat-race and the emergence of a new purpose for humanity”– after making a $200 paper profit on their Bitcoin investments. An age when even the more traditional parts of Booth seem to have woken up to this new reality with “The Fintech Revolution” somehow breaking in to the bastion of efficient markets and traditional finance courses. Most first years visit the bank for the first and last time just to pick up check books.
The answer lies in a complicated mesh of how clubs and student groups are set up, plus the fundamental structure of a potential delayed payment, that this journalist is not paid enough to go into.
However, Booth not have to live with this status quo forever. “NoShowers”, a startup founded by Booth alumni are aiming to solve this problem through a subscription-based, deep learning enabled, AI-powered solution that uses IoT sensors at event venues and blockchain driven transactions to solve this challenging problem. NoShowers recently won “Most buzzwords in their mission statement” and “Most confusingly named startup” at CES. However, it may be a while before they have a product in the market, so Boothies will have to leave the cocoon that is 5807 Woodlawn and go to the uncharted territory of S. Ellis to visit Citibank for at least one more year.
* Used under Creative Commons license. Use not endorsed by Creator
It’s January again. A time when Mother Nature gently reminds us that beneath her sunny summer smiles lies a cold-hearted, ruthless b*****d who would like nothing better than to freeze the marrow out of our bones and laugh callously at every shiver as you trundle despondently across the river after your 9 PM Gleacher class. Yes, coming back to Chicago after break hasn’t been fun, why do you ask?
But it’s also the time when freshly minted New Years’ resolutions sad to say, broken. Today we look at some of the most popular resolutions that were made in moments of weakness (probably three drinks in), and like the last season of How I Met Your Mother, did not die soon enough.
Bringing your unread emails down to 0: You may have been one of those fortunate souls who have their lives and inboxes perfectly ordered, but if you’re like the vast majority of us, you have a snowball’s chance in hell of actually living up to that. Between Canvas, Polsky, Stigler, the University News and so many more it often feels like the Universe in general and the University in particular is actively conspiring against you. Just give in, and let the mound of emails be the metaphor for your growing student debt in tightening monetary policy
Eat healthy: You made a lofty goal of staying on a diet and fit into the suit that you rocked so recently at your internship/last job. But life and Booth had other plans for you. From Kovler finally serving food with mass appeal (or any appeal for that matter) in the form of the new sandwich stall and the natural advantages of many winter layers – it didn’t take that resolution long to fail.
Missing no classes: No one said you had to be one of the folks who see their professors for the first time during the Final, but aiming for a 100% attendance record will probably feature in any Buzzfeed list of the worst decisions ever made. Between TNDC and recruiting (FYs)/travelling (SYs) you were struggling to stay afloat even halfway through Week 1. By the time you started Week 2, everything hit the fan and you just threw up your hands on this one. And rightly so
Spend less time on social media: You were lying to yourself when you thought you could pull this off. Without social media how can you possibly participate in the FOMO Olympics of trips, dinners and other fun activities that is your newsfeed? How will you be able to determine the answer to the Ultimate Question of the life, universe and everything - which is the best section of Micro? Can you really tear yourself away from the gripping drama of all the lost jackets at TNDC? For shame for thinking you could pull this off.
Ardent fans of ChiBus know of our ongoing series to tap into the wisdom of second years and alumni. The star of our column is “Grumpy” Gerald Wockell, financial wiz, raconteur extraordinaire and reluctant second year. This week, we launched an “Ask Grumpy” session for students at Booth to get pressing questions answered anonymously. Here are Grumpy’s responses to some of them:
I’m a second year and am looking to create a bucket list of all the things I need to do before leaving Booth. I have already prepared a 30 tab Excel of ideas for things to do at Booth, UChicago and the wider city. I’ve also been to every spring break’s information session, have my tickets booked for a bunch of other trips and have a master list of people I need to grab coffee chats with before I leave, but I wanted to be sure to tap every source of information, no matter how disreputable or unreliable. So, do you have any suggestions?
I certainly do. Let’s start with courses. No Booth experience is complete without taking the “star” courses. I strongly recommend redoing the foundations with different professors. Yes, you’ve already covered the content before, but imagine the FOMO you’ll have if you don’t take that one Micro section that your batch bid 8000 points for. Moving on to food. You cannot, simply cannot, leave Chicago without fully experiencing one of its finest eateries. I suggest trying out EVERY SINGLE lunch option that Kovler has. This includes the candy, snack and dubious brussel sprouts options, no cheatsies. Yes, you’ll probably put on 15 pounds and lose a ton of money but totes worth it for the memories when you’re in your high paying job cashing that per diem and thinking back fondly to your broke student days. Outside Booth, the Museum of Damaged Mannequins is definitely worth a visit. There’s a two hour wait most days, but what’s that compared to the countless hours of family-friendly fun you can have looking at old damaged mannequins.
I’m in the throes of recruiting and have taken four heavy courses this quarter so I really don’t have a lot of time for social activities. However, I think it’s having a lasting negative effect on me. I still haven’t made it to a single TNDC, I’m embarrassed to ask what an LPF is and am not a member of a single non-recruiting group. I met someone from my LEAD squad recently at Harper and they asked me if I was a second year! I’m worried I’m becoming one of the invisible 200. What should I do??
Booth is all about finding the tradeoffs that are right for you. Fall is the hardest time of the year for most career tracks so it’s okay to delay some of the fun for later. Having said that, what do you mean you haven’t been to a single TNDC yet??? Are you sure you don’t go to Kellogg? One night’s fun never harmed anyone and the grades really don’t matter.
I recently attended a recruiting event and met someone truly special. Our eyes connected when this person was handing me a brochure and we spoke for what seemed like hours on the work that company did and how I could fit in. I’m finding it hard to concentrate on everyday things but I’m worried reaching out would hurt my chances at the company which is one of my top targets. Do you think I should go for it?
School hires stunt professionals for reaction boosting workshop:
After complaints of sign up spots vanishing faster than free food in the student lounge, the school hired Hollywood professionals to conduct a workshop on how to improve their reflexes. Said second year participant Rod Tapper, “I signed up when I realized how slow I was with ski trip sign ups. All my friends got in their applications for 9-member houses in at 20 seconds while I was languishing at 47.5. With a few simple tips I learnt at the workshop, I’ve been able to attend every wine club event since! I’m planning to use this for everything from party signups to advising appointments.”
MBA student tries to make endowment:
‘Tis the season of giving. Inspired by the announcement of large grants made recently to both Booth and the University of Chicago, second year student Jim Cho tried to endow the school with a chair. Literally, a chair. Said Jim, “I’ve snoozed in a lot of chairs in my time, but the ones at Booth have got to be the worst. Booth has done so much for me and I want to give back in my own little way, and pay it forward as so many have in the past.” Confused school staff were still debating what to do with the chair, admittedly a paragon of comfort, at the time of publication, although they flatly refused to allow it to be named “The Barbara and Barry Cho Chair of the last row in C08”.
Study room utilization rises:
For possibly the first time in Booth’s history, study rooms are becoming increasingly difficult to book, even in early November. Lest you think this is a sign of an increased academic focus, fret not! Several theories have surfaced on why this is the case. One puts it down to an unusually enthusiastic bunch of first years looking to get a headstart on interview prep. Another, to an unusually cold winter that is making winter garden less hospitable. Finally, notable conspiracy theory linked the phases of the moon and Dean Rajan’s travel plans in a five factor model to explain this rise.
While the world hailed Prof. Thaler’s winning the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics and economists from all schools of thought have weighed in on his incredible contributions to the field, we at ChiBus were more interested in how people right here felt about this momentous occasion. We spoke with people both at the Press conference and in the wider Chicago area to get their reactions.
Reactions at Booth were primarily, and expectedly, positive. “My job is safe for five years. My job is safe for five years”, a newly appointed leader of the school was overheard singing in the corridors to the tune of a famous Stanford parody video. Others in the administration, however, had different worries - “No, that did NOT happen”, Dean Kole irritably said when asked about last years’ Follies’ depiction of how Prof. Thaler met the Nobel Committee.
Several first years were elated, albeit for mercenary reasons. “The second years are all going to overbid for his courses now and that’ll drive down the prices of everything else”, said one first year grinning happily. Her satisfaction was short-lived however, when we pointed out that bidding for his courses (offered only in Fall) were already over. Some just didn’t care. “What is ‘Nudge’? I just came here for the free champagne.”, said one confused first year the Winter Garden, when we asked him for comments.
Finally, some came just looking to learn. “So I need to be a pain in the neck over the next few years to win a Nobel?”, said one assistant professor who paid very close attention to the entire speech and took copious notes. Students too, had much to learn. “Darn, I wish my class was this enthusiastic when I present to them”, said one LEAD Facil, simultaneously admiringly and despondently as the crowd cheered Prof. Thaler’s jokes.
The other school in Chicago:
While Booth celebrated Prof. Thaler’s Nobel, not everyone was as ecstatic. A pall of disappointment had descended in another famous business school. Senior faculty and administrators were seen huddling together on campus as they considered their response to Booth’s marketing onslaught that was likely to follow. Said one senior staff member “It’s not like we had it easy as it is, what with change at the top. Competing with one Nobel laureate on staff was bad enough, I really don’t know how we’re going to deal with two.”
Students, however, were more positive. One second year full-time MBA student we met on campus opined that this would have little effect on his life. “I never understood this fancy economics jazz” he said, when pulled away briefly from his game of flip cup. “Economics is for geeks. Marketing!”, he yelled, to raucous cheers from his group of 20-odd friends, who could not draw a supply-demand curve between them.
Meanwhile, more thoughtful responses also began to emerge at the school. “We have a lot to talk about too. Our new campus is a big selling point and we retain all our traditional strengths. We just need to figure out how to position ourselves better”, said one hopeful faculty member.
After more than three months, numerous incidents of poor life choices, too much work and too little frosty beverages, school year is back! As the second years catch up with each other and first years grapple with the Sisyphean task that is finding a good bidding strategy, here’s a quick round up of the key events from summer.
Second years did work stuff at places: Once more, 580+ Boothies left the cocoon that is Harper/MPP and conquered several hundred organizations as the first step in what are surely stellar careers. We are sure that most of our companies were heartbroken to see us leave at the end of summer after outstanding contributions, while a few are still reeling from the irrevocable damage that we’ve done but they’re all united in the belief that as a class we performed better than Kellogg. Hopefully. Regardless, it’s great to be on campus and to return to the blissful state of not working.
First years have arrived: Dean Kole has told the second years – repeatedly and in detail – that the Class of 2019 outperforms the Class of 2018 with their snazzy high GMAT and GPA averages. The second years at ChiBus feel a little slighted, so we’re going to be snarky and encourage the first years to focus their not inconsiderable capabilities on more constructive pursuits than those they’ve been up to so far (Yeah, we all know what you did at LOR). Jokes aside, the first years are already leaving a positive impact in everything from LEAD to TNDC and we’re very excited by the new addition to our community.
A new Dean is here: After months of patient waiting, our new Dean is here! In this column, we are most excited because we now have a new (and going by the Stanford videos, hopefully amenable) target for our satire. As a school though, we wish him the best of luck! We are positive that he will continue to build on Booth’s strong legacy and are really excited by the great new ideas and direction that we are sure he’ll bring to the school. Speaking of great new ideas, however, can we just say that a “cricket roll” of a giant die may not make many top 10 lists?
Metra trains every 20 minutes (sometimes): As Queen once sang, “Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” No more scouring the Winter Garden for randos to fill your Uber if you didn’t sprint out right after the 4:30 class. No more having to make that Sophie’s choice of cutting short on sleep to make it to the 7:50 AM train or coming in late on the 8:20 AM train (who are we kidding, 8:20 every day). While the demand from Booth alone probably didn’t drive this change, we’d like to think 400-odd people stumping off every Wednesday morning (best day for 8:30 classes) probably had something to do with it.
Aaaand we’re officially all caught up.
The University of Chicago Booth School of Business is set to release over 500 students raised in captivity for the past two years into the wild on June 10th. The so-called “MBA Program” has been carefully preparing the students to happily live out the rest of their years in their natural habitat. Experts have cautiously predicted that they have excellent chances of survival.
The catch-and-release program, started in 1898, has steadily grown from just a handful of individuals to now accommodate over 500 lost, underdeveloped, or otherwise at-risk subjects. Individuals are flown in from a variety of countries and environments to develop at Booth. These subjects are thought to be among the hardiest individuals on the planet, with the highest propensity for success in the wild. Researchers have heralded the high survival rate in recent years, with nearly 100% of students making it past the first 12 months.
To prepare candidates for their natural environment, researchers began to slowly introduce elements of their new surroundings. Noting that this particular breed of young professional rarely sees the light of day, careful preparations are made to place the students in windowless, underground rooms for hours at a time.
Another crucial component of preparation is introducing the students to their natural-occurring apparel. Researchers say tying a half-windsor knot and learning to walk on heels are among the hardest, yet most rewarding, lessons for students. The researchers also had to slowly reintroduce the concepts of money, accountability, and sobriety over the two years. Preparations are on-going.
Perhaps the most important part of the Booth program is the exposure students are given to their natural habitat while still in captivity. Students are allowed limited, carefully controlled interactions in the wild once a week on Thursday nights. To ease these interactions, students are given heavy doses of sedatives. Experts have questioned the efficacy of these forays into the wild, citing evidence that most students don’t actually remember them the next day.
In another sign of a healthy batch of candidates this year, researchers noted that physical activity has been robust. In a variety of athletic games meant to simulate real-life competition, the Booth subjects have bested all neighboring research facilities this year. And despite most students not yet having developed past their adolescent stage, some have even begun mating in captivity. Scientists say that most should begin to contribute to a healthy gene pool in the coming 3 to 5 years.
To cope with some of the slower developing candidates, Booth began a remedial path that takes an additional four years to complete. This “PhD Program” sees much smaller numbers than the normal program. Administrators say that these candidates typically need additional time to develop the social skills required to survive in the wild. Still, some never gain the skills required to make it outside of an artificial environment. These unlucky few live out their days, sheltered in the Booth facilities, teaching classes and completing research.
Patrick Burke is a second-year MBA candidate at Booth with exceptionally low chances of survival in the wild.
As appointments go, this could be the most consequential for the classes of 2018 and 2019, and indeed for all the future classes to come. The New York Times called it a “seminal decision”. Poets and Quants labelled it a “big step forward for Booth”. The ChiBus had nothing to say because its editors were too busy deciding whether nachos were “newspapery” enough to be included in their LPF’s menu. But regardless what you think of him, Raja Rajan’s (no relation to either the Dean or the Professor) elevation as a TNDC co-chair for 2017-18 is bound to shape Booth’s position in an increasingly competitive business school market. ChiBus finally got its act together for an interview with him.
Chicago Business [CB]: Why are you here and not somewhere else?
Raja Rajan [RR]: Every human being is lost without a purpose. The day of my first TNDC, in a badly lit, too small bar with the music blaring, tired after a long day of Orientation+ , I saw something almost magical as I watched the entire Booth slowly come together around me. FYs and SYs, investment bankers and techies, popular kids and invisible 200. I was hooked. Becoming a TNDC co-chair became my life’s ambition, my driving force, my raison d’être. As a first year, I enrolled in a daily resistance building regime that took me from wincing after my first beer to downing fireballs like there was no tomorrow. I’ve also spent the last year preparing a 10 MB spreadsheet on bars in Chicago, with their sizes, distance from MPP and chances of getting cheap drinks.
CB: I’m still a little confused. You clearly loved TNDC, but why not just stay in a practitioner’s role instead of looking for an administrative one?
RR: At LEAD, during the first impressions survey, all of my squadmates rated me incapable of organizing an event for 500 people. Rather than laughing it off as unreliable coming from people I’d met for the first time, I took it as a personal insult. I resolved to do something that would destroy this impression once and for all and heal the massive wounds to my pride. So I decided to become TNDC co-chair and organize a 500-person event every single week.
CB: What role do you see yourself playing at Booth?
RR: Booth was No. 9 on the Financial Times’ list of top MBA programs this year. Nine! Schools like Harvard and Wharton are worthy competitors, but when IE and Judge are ranked higher than us you know something is wrong. Do you know how I found out what Judge is? I had to Google it, I had to Google where it was, and then I had to Google “Why would anyone go to the Judge School of Business?”. A recent study by a top ranking agency showed that the most important thing that prospectives considered when choosing a school are its parties. Chicago’s nice, but compared to NY and SF it isn’t exactly a party city, so TNDC becomes particularly important. As a co-chair, I will enable this drive towards fun, rise in rankings and eventually glory and immortality in Booth history.
CB: Following up on that, what will the biggest focus of your administration?
RR: Let’s be very clear here. My biggest focus is on stamping out crime. I’m afraid that Chicago … Booth has become a breeding ground for organized crime. Just yesterday a friend showed me a video that had gone viral made by one of these gangsters. From daylight robbery at Kovler to deleting names off coffee chat signups, their infamy knows no bounds. We cannot and we will not hold TNDCs under this pall of fear. All options are on the table - I’m prepared to call in the University’s security forces despite their lack of arms to deal with this menace.
CB: TNDC has had a recent trend of hiring co-chairs from the Applied Econometrics Group. Do you think you need to expand your sourcing net?
RR: As you would know if grades did matter and you had paid an ounce of attention in baby stats, two hires is hardly a “trend”. I recognize comparisons with my predecessor are inevitable, particularly given how much we have in common. And I have a lot of respect for him - and am a big fan of the moustache that the Class of 2016 voted the “most influential in Chicago”. However, each new co-chair brings their own perspectives and vision and that’s what I hope to do this year.
CB: While they still play an important part in the rankings, people have increasingly begun to question the ROI on weekly parties (TNDC equivalents) across MBA schools. What’s your take on this?
RR: Well maybe some of the nerd schools (looking at you H**) might have such newfangled ideas, but I disagree. I believe that TNDC still plays a critical role in the lives of MBA students. Where else do you go to drown your sorrows after seven companies have rejected you in the peak of recruiting? Where else can you see future titans of the industry weave about unsteadily and ask you ‘Wassh up?’? We are Booth’s pressure valve, the mechanism that keeps us all sane, the destroyer of Friday scheduling. These is the mission I hope to further next year.
Second-year student Blake Graham learned late last week that he was unwittingly being forced to graduate from The University of Chicago Booth School of Business, despite his best efforts to avoid the deeply traumatizing event.
“It’s just far too soon,” lamented Graham. “It all went by like I was a goldfish hopped up on Tito’s and Adderall. I literally can’t remember anything. What a blur.”
Upon learning that he would soon accumulate 20 credits of classes and return to the cruel, real world, Graham was reported to have a complete existential breakdown. Friends and relatives say he had not been this visibly shaken since the passing of his childhood pet gerbil, Mr. Pippers, in a tragic drowning accident involving an oversized bowl of potato leek soup.
“He called me about two months ago and all he could say was ‘Why Booth’ over and over again between sobs” said Graham’s mother, Cindy. “It was nice to finally hear from him between international vacations, though.”
Graham spent the following weeks desperately attempting to sabotage his impending graduation. He first tried to fail his Winter exams. But, despite not studying for two of his three exams last quarter, and simply not showing up to the third, Graham was shocked to learn that he had earned a B+ in each course when grades were released in March.
“I actually got an email from one of my professors asking me to be a TA in his class the next quarter,” said a bewildered Graham. “I always wondered how those selections were made.”
Sensing a mistake, Graham made an appointment with Director of Academic Services, Christine Gramhofer, to straighten things out and receive his “Incomplete” marks for the quarter.
“When I sat down and explained the situation, she actually struck my wrist. Now, I thought that a wrist slapping was maybe a little bit too literal, but honestly I was relieved,” recalled Graham. “But then I realized she had actually slapped a brand new Movado watch onto my wrist and then everyone was in her office cheering and congratulating me on graduating! It was surreal.”
Graham’s next attempt to delay the inevitable was to register for Spring Quarter classes that did not fulfill his graduation requirements. But despite not planning his academic path for two years and deliberately attempting to sabotage his degree, Graham ended up with concentrations in economics, finance, international business, strategic management, entrepreneurship, operations management, marketing analytics, and general management.
“I don’t even remember taking an econ class other than baby micro!” said an exasperated Graham. “And I’ve definitely never taken a single entrepreneurship class. Are they just giving these things away?”
Graham’s final appeal was to Dean of the Full-Time MBA Program, Stacey Kole, herself.
“I went in her office and explained my issue,” recalled Graham. “And she just kept winking at me. No words, just winking over and over. So finally I simply said ‘I’m not going to leave’. Well, let’s just say that you don’t want to mess with Stacey’s graduation rate. I’ll be front and center at graduation on June 10th.”
Patrick Burke is a second-year student at Booth with serious thoughts about decelerating. He has not been this visibly shaken since his pet chinchilla perished in a tragic chicken tortilla soup accident.
Last Friday morning, a Chibus reporter caught up with one of the more popular exchange students here at Booth: Satan. Sporting his classic all-nude style, shades and the Chicago Booth scarf, Satan met with us at Harper Center, next to the reception, where those tables designed for non-Booth people are. We decided to stay there and avoid going to the Winter Garden, where we would have been forced to make small talk with people we moderately dislike.
Chicago Business [CB]: What motivated your decision to attend business school and more importantly, what brought you to Chicago Booth?
Satan [S]: Frankly, it’s getting busier down in Hell. When we first designed the place, the Earth’s population consisted of like 500 people. It’s been a struggle through the years to modernize it, and you guys really let loose over the past century. We need more countries to follow Japan’s act and stop having kids due to the enormous stresses of corporate life.
About a year ago, to build my career as the ruler of one of the afterlives, I decided I needed more organizational skills, and better teamwork dynamics, so I applied to a few business schools. After struggling through reams of essays so complex they would make my minions cry tears of joy, I currently go to LBS. Brexit’s been great for me there, I’m meeting a lot of future clients. I then saw what happened with the US elections and decided I needed to come over. As my boi Drake would say: “started from the bottom now we here”. Sooo … why Booth?
Satan makes mandatory shitty Kellogg joke. We all laugh hysterically for 37 minutes. 23 Uber pools are formed and booked. 2 professors pass, looking at us askance
Well, firstly, I LOVE maroon, and I had also heard great things about the gratuitous bidding system that unnecessarily scars people for life – that’s the kind of out-of-box thinking we need down in Hell nowadays, torture methods have really stagnated lately. Plus, I knew The Economist ranked it as the #1 MBA in the world (#rankingislife).
[CB]: Now for a rapid-fire round. Are you ready? Let’s begin!
[CB]: Favorite class at Booth?
[S]: Baby Investments.
[CB]: Favorite art piece at Harper?
[S]: Can’t decide – I commissioned all of them.
[CB]: Favorite Booth Club?
[S]: Christians in Business. They don’t like me, but they respect me.
[CB]: Favorite Harper employee?
[S]: That “no talking or texting in the coffee line” guy at Kovler every morning.
[CB]: Chicago is a vibrant city – what’s it been like to live here – have you branched out into the community?
[S]: Oh, Satan no. I’ve made it a crucial priority to hang out with Booth people exclusively, and essentially replicate my high-school years in my late 20s. I prefer hanging out with 1Ys like me – I found the cultural and generational gaps between 1Ys and 2Ys to be outrageously significant. That said, I disliked the idea of living in MPP – I mean, I know I come from Hell and everything, but like, come on.
So I live in River North, in Fremont – it’s not really a residential building, but I found a room there. I also help them around with stuff in exchange for a discount on rent: I designed their upper level “hole in the middle of the f**king floor”, and I personally select the people who can enter the place during weekend brunches. Other things I enjoy about Chicago: long-walks through the South Side, taking Ubers in lower Wacker Drive (when their GPS stops working), and really, pretty much everything about River North.
[CB]: Any last words for all our readers here in Chicago, and all over the world?
[S]: Yeah, it’s been a great experience. I’m sorry I didn’t get to do a Random Walk, but we are talking with World Strides to perhaps organize The Mystery Trip down to my place soon. It’s either that, or a remix of the popular France bike-tour Random Walk - this time, in Siberia, and with limited food & drinks. It’s still going to cost $3,500 though.
Finally, I would urge fellow-students to keep talking in class, especially if they have nothing to say or simply want to share useless, boring details about their past personal/professional lives that have nothing to do with the subject. That way, I can guarantee we will meet again.
PS: We asked Satan why he had the shades on inside on a Friday morning. He responded by saying: “Sunglasses and Advil, last nite was mad real”.
Popular housing complex announces massive upgrade of internet facilities from telegraph-based to dial-up internet. Students report 47% increase in browsing speeds to 3 Kbps
Mass panic breaks out on Friday among students fearing that email system is broken when they do not receive their three daily Polsky emails by 1 PM. Calm restored after GBC emails make it through
Organizers report that the event “Organizing Flagship Events: A Summit on Summits” was a grand success, with 300 odd Co-Chairs signing up to learn how to better drop promotional material into mail folders. ChiBus GroupMe flooded by over enthusiastic Editor with tips from the summit
Announced tuition increase of 2% widely ignored. Rumored hike of Kovler Cafe rates greeted with widespread rumblings of protest
So called business school opens new flagship building. Highlights include a several thousand foot outdoor plaza for working and collaborating. Plaza’s utilization expected to be close to 100% in the warm, almost tropical, climate that Chicago experiences throughout the year
Crew of “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” reboot visits Harper to audition students enrolled in Negotiations. Casting Director Jeremiah Gasbick said “We’ve never seen a cross-section of people so good at theatrical eye-narrowing”
Emergency Services called after student gets lost on the 3rd floor. Visibly shaken victim said “I saw 7 different signs that asked me to turn right for the room I wanted. It took me 3 hours to realize I was walking in circles”
Scientists observe first-ever rip in space-time continuum as Party in the Sky tickets run out even before sales begin