99 Problems, but a Pitch Ain't One

By Warren Yates '15, illustrated by Pranjal Boghara '15

Elevator pitch. Sales pitch. Pitch Perfect. There’s an occasion for every pitch, and there’s a pitch for every occasion—elevator, VC meeting, Friday evening, respectively. The Class of 2015 knows this well, and the new crop of students is learning fast. With 584 students in the full-time program alone, there is the potential for 170,236 intra-class introductions! This affords students plenty of helpful opportunities to practice rapidly firing off the aptly named bullet points of their résumés, and plenty of even-more-helpful opportunities to practice pretending to follow what the other person’s blathering about.

Of course, the most serious Boothies rehearse in front of a mirror and film themselves so that they can polish every moment of their pitches. There’s simply no room for error when a filler word or a moment’s hesitation can mean the difference between a lifetime of happiness and perishing face-down in a gutter, forgotten and alone (see illustration).

But even if you’re not quite there yet, don’t despair! Your classmates will help you hone your pitch until they themselves have it memorized. After all, Boothies don’t let Boothies die face-down in gutters.