Please Hire My Son

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing to express my son’s interest in the full-time position at your firm. After proudly watching my son grow into a terrific young man over the past 26 years, I am confident that he is the single best person for this position. After excelling at what really is the most elite university in the world, he worked for another company for three years. I don’t understand what he did there, but I know he worked hard because he’s such a hard worker. He’s just the best.

I am more than just a biased mother. It is an objective fact that my son is uniquely gifted and talented. That’s why they put him in the Gifted & Talented math class when he was in 6th grade. They don’t let just anyone in those classes, you know. He beat out lots of kids to get into that class. Even those snot-nosed Michelson twins didn’t get in. (Goodness, their mother is such a snob. I daresay she had the audacity to mock me for bringing a box of Franzia to book club!)

Now, my son tells me that creative skills are valued at your firm. He has creative skills in spades! I know, a lot of the other parents would tell you that Dylan Cassidy or maybe even Colleen Cavanaugh are the most creative children from our hometown, but they’re just a couple of ostentatious, attention-starved theater brats. My son has creativity where it counts the most. For example, when he was in college he designed custom t-shirts for me and my shopping girlfriends. (You’ve probably seen them on my Pinterest. They’re the ones that say “Black Friday 2009: Moms on a Mission!”) What a wonderful young man. How could anyone not like him?

I was somewhat surprised when he told me that he was interested in working for a P.E. firm because he always got picked on so much in gym class and he was never much of an athlete. However, I do think it’s important to note that before starting high school, the football coach called him up on the telephone (my son has lovely phone manners) and asked him if he was interested in trying out for the team. He politely declined, but I think that example proves that authority figures recognize his potential. I mean are you going to tell me that the football coach went out of his way to call every incoming freshman boy?

Now, I do understand that you may have some doubts about my son’s ability to behave himself. I am, of course, referring to the time he got sent home for throwing a tantrum in 3rd grade P.E. class. I assure you that that incident was not his fault. I’ve heard his side of the story, and it is clear to me that the little bastard Austin Carmichael instigated the whole kerfuffle. I assume that by now that kid is in jail where he belongs for getting my prince in trouble.

As you can clearly see, my son is the perfect candidate for any job, but especially your job. He’s handsome as all get-out, so what are you waiting for? We’re excited for you to invite him to interview when you come to campus. If you would like me to sit in on that interview and offer my two cents, I’d be more than happy to fly in. Knowing my boy, he’ll probably offer to pick me up from the airport! Please be nice to him.


Jenny Newton