Boothie Completes Transformation into Asshole

By Tyler Burkett '16

RANCHO CUCOMUNGA – When Ted Wilson returned home to California after Chicago Booth’s annual ski trip, his family failed to recognize him. Ted, a first-year student in the full time MBA program, was at baggage claim dressed as George Washington, apparently as part of a drunken business school ritual called “Throwback Thursday.”

The trip home was not smooth for Ted.  He threatened security after being told he needed to dispose of his Jamba Juice Razzmatazz Smoothie before security.  On the flight, Ted spilled multiple Jack and Cokes on his copy of Marc Cosentino’s ‘Case and Point’, a management consulting interview prep book.  

I certainly would have never guessed that 6 months ago he was a teacher for TeachForAmerica” said Albert Harrelson, an accountant who sat next to him on the flight. “On the flight, he reeked of booze and asked the flight attendant three times if she wanted to take a shot of Fireball [whiskey] with him.”

Upon arrival to his childhood home, Ted quickly denied his parents’ plea to join his family for a home-cooked lasagna dinner, declaring, “if it’s not on my calendar, it’s not happening.”

Prior to Booth, Ted taught Pre-Algebra to underprivileged youths at Hamilton Middle School in California. Interviews with college roommates at USC suggest that he was deeply concerned about the growing income gap in the US and thought education was the best way he could help.

His mother and grandmother are growing concerned about his change.

“Honestly, I thought he went to business school to broaden his business knowledge, grow as a leader, and finally make that leap to a big three management consulting firm,” said Caitlin, his mother. “Now he is completely self-absorbed.  He can’t get through a conversation without checking the number of likes on his Instagrams.”

“Business school has put something in his applesauce,” added Virginia, his 87-year-old grandmother. “Young man had the gall to tell me my casserole was ‘basic.’ He’s turned into an elitist asshole - just like his father did 25 years ago at Columbia Business School.”

Ted Wilson Sr., a renowned Private Equity Investor, pushed Ted to go to business school and is proud of his transformation.  “Before Booth, Ted would get emotional about the most inane things, like our dog getting cancer. He is finally demonstrating far less empathy for the world and far more for the bottom line.”

Ted has now completed the foundation courses his Dad suggested to him to become an asshole.  For Winter Quarter, he has signed up for numerous electives outside of Booth: the Law School’s “Offshore Personal Banking Accounts,” and a Public Policy Class “Obamacare and other Studies in Reverse Eugenics.”

On Christmas day, Ted audibly sighed and rolled his eyes at a local church service when a weekly reminder popped up on his phone for TNDC.