By Tyler Burkett '16
PYONGYANG – Academic Services has spent tireless hours investigating the December iBid hacking that resulted in a Thursday night Financial Accounting class going for 9000+ points, in Round 4. Beyond security concerns, the move has depleted many Boothies’ point wealth and generates further concern of point inflation.
“All sources indicate that the hack originates from North Korea,” Academic Services said in a statement. “We believe the attack is retaliation for failing to give Kim Jong-Un, a Round One Applicant, an interview.”
The Chicago Booth administration, alarmed by the attack, agreed to add the previously dinged Kim Jung-Un, to the waitlist.
“While he has a tremendous amount of real-world leadership experience, he scored only in the 40th percentile for math.” said MBAMission’s Wendy McGill. McGill further commented on the implications of this action for Booth, saying “in the event he gets in off the waitlist, this may hurt Chicago Booth’s BusinessWeek ranking, which now punishes business schools for having dictators in the full-time program.”
Academic Services has linked the Poets and Quants user DictatorTots to Kim. DictatorTots made numerous posts in June 2013 on ‘Poets and Quants,’ asking about living in Millenium Park Plaza vs. Hyde Park and if INSEAD would be a better fit given his non-traditional background.
The developments have made their way to the White House, where for the first time on record, a president publicly disapproved of a business school’s admissions decisions. In a press conference, Obama stated “this sends a message that any business school system can be hacked so that a dictator can get off the waitlist with questionable ambitions and below average GMAT scores.”
An admissions officer, who wanted to remain anonymous, leaked details from his essay: “my favorite part of work is when I am able to convince decision makers to challenge the status quo - and the brainwashing of course.” On his resume, Kim had various fun facts, claiming that he “is an avid Chicago Bulls fan” and “once made 231 straight half court shots, blindfolded.”
Rumors out of Pyongyong suggest that Kim Jung-Un is working on a waitlist video that parodies Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off.”