By Tyler Burkett ‘16
WASHINGTON – In a ChiBus exclusive, I had the pleasure of interviewing Donald Trump. After sipping on a few Trump Vodka sodas (“Success Distilled”), reminiscing about our favorite moments on Celebrity Apprentice, and debating whose hair was better, we had a wonderful chat.
After he made what was probably a sexist comment about Rosie O’Donnell, he went on a rant about how the White House needed to be redone: “I’m sorry, but Jacqueline Kennedy’s 1960s restoration was in poor taste, totally killed the value of the building. It was a god-awful, classless remodeling paid for by hard-working taxpayers. It was nice that JFK gave something for her to do around the House, but she really effed it up for all of us.”
He then proceeded to show me a series of classy renditions to modernize the White House. The Oval Office had floor to wall windows, heated marble floors, and an indoor Koi pond. He explained “[t]his is better than anything ‘Property Brothers’ could design” as he showed me a stunning picture of an infinity pool in front of an array of Vegas style cabanas filled with bikini clad women on the renovated White House roof. He explained, “[we] have been running this place just as poorly as we have been running America; we have a prime DC location and our cap rate is garbage.”
Trump is almost finished lining up a new kitchen staff that will operate a Michelin star restaurant called “North of the Border” within the White House. He described as “a bit of reflection of myself, New American” and promised the menu will be an “exciting gastronomical journey” for his guests. While there will be non-American flavors in the cooking, he promised to “minimize their influence.”
Asked if he would stay in the White House after his eventual election, he said, “of course not, why would I want to stay in a place built in the 1700s?”
In next edition of ChiBus, Tyler will interview Ben Carson about his recent remarks about how “dinosaurs wouldn’t be extinct if they had guns.”