How to Spot a Booth Student Who Writes a Newspaper Article about Himself

By Joe Pietrzak '17  & Anna Pon '17

Joe Pietrzak'17  & Anna Pon '17

Joe Pietrzak'17  & Anna Pon '17

In the previous two editions of the widely-circulated, critically acclaimed ChiBus Humor section, this student body has had to suffer through a lack of self-awareness so egregious that it moved multiple LEAD Facils to tears. Our two “friends” and esteemed classmates, Tim Bechtold ‘17 and Talal Dajani ‘17, submitted separate pieces attempting to identify certain types of Booth students. The same Tim Bechtold who is currently serving on corporate boards and interning at startups wrote the article “How to Spot a Try-hard”. Then, as a follow up, Talal Dajani, who left his Random Walk in Brazil with less articles of clothing that he packed and starred brilliantly as “man passed out on sidewalk” in his cohort’s Golden Gargoyles video, wrote the article “How to Spot a Savage”. The only difference between these two occurrences and the situations described by Alanis Morissette in her 1995 hit single “Ironic” is that the former actually are ironic (also, the latter is sung by an angel).

    In an attempt to identify how to spot a Booth student on the verge of writing an article on himself or herself, we decided to refrain from incorporating any equations. We also decided not to mock two Nobel prize winning economists who pioneered the capital structure irrelevance principle (thank you, Wikipedia). As it turns out, it’s actually quite easy to spot the next Booth student responsible for a “humor” article with multiple variables and questionable normality assumptions: sit in the center of the Winter Garden as the ChiBus deadline approaches, wait until Humor Editor Tyler Burkett approaches a group of his Random Walk Brazil first years, and see who he shames into writing the next article.

    As Booth students, we deserve better. We deserve back page humor articles written by the Humor Editor. We deserve thought-provoking pieces from the same man who equated one of Justin Bieber’s finest works with consulting recruiting, who has crushed the Dallas improv scene, and who has quoted bacon as saying that cancer-causing accusations are “tasteless”.

    In an effort to right the wrongs that have been the previous two articles, we are imploring the Booth community to do all it can to free up Tyler’s schedule. When Tyler is unable to type due to the finger injury he heroically sustained in a heated flag football contest, we need to type for him. When Tyler is swamped with machine learning homework, we need to do his problem sets for him (we don’t know what the eff machine learning is, so will have to find some other volunteers. . .is it teaching a machine to love like in that horrible Joaquin Phoenix movie? although if Siri had Scarlett Johansson’s voice, I’d date my iPhone too….anyway, that’s neither here nor there). When Tyler is busy holding court as King of the First Years, we need to laughingly encourage him to write more articles.

    So please, Boothies. Free up your schedules. Stop wasting time climbing through windows at Theory to attend TNDC at a poorly chosen venue. Stop wasting time awkwardly stiff-arming your way into crop circles like your internship offer depends on it. Stop wasting time thinking you can actually be successful on the Chicago Tinder scene with no job and no income. Focus on redirecting Tyler’s efforts and saving the Humor section. Otherwise, we can look forward to the next humor article entitled “How to spot the first year with the most fundamental basketball moves” by Douglas Sexauer ‘17.

Joe and Anna are confident that they haven’t written this one about themselves