Study: Heavy Fireball Consumption Reduces Risk of Employment

CHICAGO – In a groundbreaking and controversial study, the Center for Alcohol Research (CAR) revealed that casual to heavy consumption of Fireball, the popular cinnamon flavored whiskey, may reduce likelihood of future employment by over 90%.

Researchers studied 200 students at eight different business schools over the last three years.  Over the course of the study, 40 students abstained from drinking any Fireball, while the remaining 160 students drank anywhere from 1 to 40 shots per month.  CAR then studied quantitative employment results along with qualitative reviews from employers.  

The results were clear: students who drank 5 or more shots of fireball per month were 15% less likely to receive an internship offer from their top-choice firm. Further, as compared with light- and non-drinkers, Fireball-guzzling students (defined as students who consumed 15 or more shots each month) were 30% less likely to convert an internship into a full-time offer.

“A second-year told me to just ‘be myself’ during the interview season,” said a stunned Chicago Booth first-year student. “I thought showing up to an interview smelling of Fireball and Bagel Bites would help convey my fun-loving, outgoing personality.”

In their qualitative comment review, CAR found that Fireball-drinking students were more likely to ask to work from home, and, if required to work from the office, far more likely “simply disappear,” according to their managers.

International students in particular have been flabbergasted by the study’s result.

“I prepped for interviews by studying Don Draper from Mad Men, the quintessential American,” said a student from Hong Kong who is recruiting for brand marketing. “I came into the interview with a glass of whiskey and treated the women like garbage. I have not yet received any offers.”  

CAR added that another study examining Fireball’s stunning effects will be released next week.  They hinted that Fireball may increase likelihood of making out with people who are simply not attractive.