By: Patrick Burke, Class of 2017
HYDE PARK - Facing declining membership, the Mothers at Booth student group recently began a drive for members. Despite its free membership and preferred access to the breastfeeding rooms on campus, traditional recruiting has not yielded the expected numbers.
“We lost a lot of great mothers with the Class of 2016,” said Mothers at Booth co-chair Lucinda Parks. “We’re desperate for new members. We even looked into recruiting our own mothers, which is apparently not allowed.”
With few new mothers to choose from in the Class of 2018, the student group has proposed its next best alternative: creating moms out of current students.
“We’re going to need everyone to pitch in and start making babies,” said Parks. “It’s really going to be a collaborative effort with our male students. Our girls simply can’t do it alone. Think of it as an extracurricular opportunity.”
Parks described the campaign as a 9-month initiative. “If worse comes to worse, we have a deal worked out with the local Hyde Park sperm bank, but in the end we’re counting on our students to do this the old fashioned way.”
To hasten the initiative, the Mothers at Booth group has agreed to sponsor a TNDC in late November. The group is touting free tequila shots and $1 Deep Eddy vodka drinks. AudioBooth will be spinning a full night of R. Kelly and Marvin Gaye classics. Large paper bags will be available at the exit.
The men at Booth seemed especially receptive to the idea. “This might be my chance,” said a grinning Walter Francisco. “Usually I just stare at girls and hope for something to happen. My mom said it’ll happen one day. Sounds like she was right!”
The Admissions Department has also been supportive of the campaign, offering discounts to potential future Booth students.
“We think this initiative might yield our highest qualified candidates ever for the Class of 2042,” said Kurt Ahlm, Associate Dean of Admissions. “The specifics aren’t final, but we’ve discussed discounts as high as $100 per quarter. We’re calling it the ‘Booth Bump’ program.”
Mothers at Booth is anxious to get started. “We can’t think of a more exciting opportunity for students than having a baby during these two carefree years,” said Parks.