What's News

  • An aging robot diagnosed with rickets, pneumonia, and a missing heart claimed victory in the first presidential debate over her opponent, a racist wind-up doll found in a 1920’s-era time capsule.

  • Unspoken pact is formed between all returning students not to use first names until everyone remembers who is who; mandatory name tags in Winter Garden are being considered.

  • World’s largest petri dish experiment is considered success, with nearly 75% of first year class contracting at least one form of infectious disease at LOR.

  • Booth start-up Portefini Everyday Blazers makes a splash over the summer, with record sales in the coveted Lebanese identical twin segment.

  • Millennium Park Plaza staff eagerly looks forward to ignoring the names and desires of another class of Booth students.

  • Career Services issues new resumé guidelines to reflect Booth’s “fun and freewheeling” culture: bullet points should be replaced with baby farm animal emoji; suggested font is 24 point Comic Sans

  • Leaked RNC document reveals, in event of loss to Hillary this November, Donald Trump to replace orange, inflatable flailing-arm tube man in front of local New Brunswick, New Jersey car dealership.

  • Class of 2018 boasts record diversity: 42% female, 19% ambidextrous, 31% Capricorns, 24% albino.

  • Booth takes on leverage for first time in history to finance purchase of replacement name tents for second year students. Goldman Sachs led the deal; terms were undisclosed.