By: Patrick Burke, Class of 2017
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the face of losing the popular vote, and with half the country still in disbelief, Donald Trump announced that he would step down from the presidency on Monday. In making his decision, he cited the thousands of Facebook posts calling for his resignation.
“I’d like to sincerely thank everyone for their outpouring of emotional rants, pictures of themselves crying, and sad emoji faces on Facebook,” said Trump. “Without you spurring to action like this online, I would have never known to step down.”
Trump said it was the first time he had stepped back and examined what the public actually thought about him. “I’ve just had my Twitter app open this whole time on my phone and never saw any of your posts!” he said.
In a statement released Monday, Trump said he would instead use the next four years to do some soul-searching, start a legitimate charitable organization for migrant workers, and mend international relations alongside former President Jimmy Carter.
Trump’s inner circle supported the decision. “This definitely seems like the right thing to do,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie between donuts. “To be honest, we really didn’t have any idea how to be president. It was a sort of a ‘whale-out-of-water’ situation.”
“I truly had no idea people were so upset,” said a bewildered Trump. “Had I known people thought I was this unfit for the presidency, I would have never run in the first place!”
Trump is enacting the little known Franklin-Templeton clause in the Constitution to resign from the position of President-elect. The rule also allows Trump to use special, one-time executive powers.
Before resigning, Trump said he would enact several executive orders based on popular social media topics. “It sounds like the people want common sense background checks for guns and stronger environmental protections, so I’ll go ahead and enact those,” said Trump.
Trump is also expected to unilaterally overturn Citizens United, amend the Constitution to provide universal healthcare, and appoint a younger, scientific clone of Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Supreme Court.
“Donald Trump has demonstrated a real mastery of Constitutional law with this maneuver,” said Professor Janet Frankenmuth of the U of C Law School. “And it appears he has undertaken all of this without the help of any legal scholars or aids. He really has an intricate understanding of our legal and political systems.”
This occasion marks the first time the full extent Franklin-Templeton clause will be exercised. The rule dictates that the office of president remain vacant while the country undergoes another 18 month presidential election, starting immediately.
Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum, Rand Paul, and Mike Huckabee have indicated that they plan to run. Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.
Patrick Burke is a ChiBus Editorial contributor and member of the White House Press Corps. He has not left his bed since election night.