Students welcome colder weather, prepare to really let themselves go

     After what seemed like a lifetime, colder weather has finally set in for Chicago, and Boothies are embracing the change with open arms and baggy sweaters. Following an unseasonably warm autumn, temperatures have consistently plunged below 55 degrees, the universally accepted sweater threshold.

    “Let’s just say I’m happy my college hoodie has come back into the rotation. After ordering Seamless every night for 10 weeks at my banking internship, I’ve got a softer dad-bod than Leo,” said second-year Boothie Markus Tinley. “Loaded truffle fries are the best and worst thing to ever happen to me and it’s only going to get worse.”

    While most students focused on maintaining a professional demeanor at their previous jobs or internships over the summer, many have indicated that they intend to stop focusing on their personal appearances altogether.

“It’s about damn time,” said first year student Gretchen McAffee. “I’ve been shaving my legs for what feels like ages now. Time to slap on the yoga pants and let these tree trunks grow back to their god-intended state. They don’t call me Chewbacca back home for nothing.”

    McAffee remarked that she would also stop applying makeup and has put her hair dryer and straightener up for sale on the 2017-2018 Booth Facebook page. “I honestly don’t expect to wear a bra more than three or four times between now and April,” she confided.

Tinley said he would soon cancel his Lakeshore Fitness membership, stop showering, and cease doing his laundry altogether. With his new free time, he plans to pursue his real passion: pizza.

“Domino’s has really made this all so easy,” continued Tinley. “I just ordered two large Hawaiian pizzas, stuffed cheesy bread with bacon and jalapeno, and a pan of warm chocolate brownies using Twitter. And you know I got ranch dipping sauce for everything.”

    Chicago winters are notoriously frigid and put to an end most outdoor activities. With the beach days in past, students are eager to start bingeing on carbs on Netflix shows.

    “It’s nice to know that I can curl up under a blanket to stay warm and hide my quickly swelling butt,” said McAffee. “Besides, I figure if I watch one episode of Gilmore Girls per hour, I can stave off boredom, forget about my responsibilities, and live in a world of quirky whimsy for a couple of days straight.”

    Said Tinley: “I also plan to gradually descend into alcoholism over the next few months. I’ll inevitably lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel and turn to the bottle, which usually makes me feel better for at least a short time before the habit turns into complete dependency.”

Boothies seem to have supported each other’s decisions to let themselves go. In a display of solidarity, students agreed to avoid spring break plans with any destinations requiring bathing suits or revealing clothing of any kind. Iceland and Nova Scotia are rumored to be top destinations in 2017.

    “I figure I can parlay this slovenly lifestyle right into graduation. Those cap and gown combinations are really quite flattering, with all the pleats,” said McAffee optimistically.

Patrick Burke is a second-year MBA student at Chicago Booth and Grammy Award winning recording artist. His spoken word hit “Worcestershire Saucey” is widely praised as a political statement on the oft-forgotten 1980’s hoof-and-mouth disease epidemic in rural Connecticut.