What's News

  • Booth sent Apple a tuition bill for Siri, who has been overheard in multiple classes talking out of turn.

  • In holiday spirit, mugging victims have been giving a bit extra to their attackers in the month of December.

  • Students petitioned GBC to replace apples in Harper Center with Pedialyte on Fridays following TNDC.

  • Adult children look forward to watching movies with parents in silence, endlessly browsing social media over the holidays.

  • Republicans reignited the debate over whether the Earth is round or flat. The Heritage Foundation released research supporting the notion of a two-dimensional planet.

  • Man misses thrilling final episode of Westworld after his ex-girlfriend’s brother’s neighbor’s parents changed their HBOGO password.

  • Christian congregations are reminded to keep Jesus in mind during the holiday season; faithful wonder which color and style of Apple Watch messiah would have wanted.

  • Conspiracy theorists mistakenly protest outside of pizza parlor after “Illuminati” was autocorrected to “Lou Malnati” in monthly newsletter.

  • Chicago Business Humor Editor wonders if anyone actually reads the newspaper, publicly questions his extracurricular choices.