5-hour ENERGY sues 300-minute Energy for copyright infringement.
CAMPUS SECURITY issues new mugging strategies, including “Politely Ignore”, “Play Possum”, and “Reverse Psychology”.
MPP RESIDENT finds dog to be too much responsibility; takes up taxidermy.
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL reveals plans to double number of games per season.
MARKETING STUDENT rediscovers the joy of adjusting font sizes and margins to complete five page paper.
METRA issues style guide for knee placement on inward-facing benches.
THE CHICAGO CUBS begin season-long process of writing apologetic playoff press release.
OUTGOING TNDC CO-CHAIRS reveal drinking challenges for 2016 applicants: Popov Pong, Fireball Flip, and Malort Chug.
WARMER SPRING WEATHER finally gives students reason to miss being outdoors.
MPP FURNITURE FUTURES MARKET plunges on news of upcoming graduation.
KOBE BRYANT ends storied career to spend more time with his collection of mirrors.
BOOTH BIRTHDAY PARTIES see noticeable uptick in merger activity driven by drink special cost savings and social network synergies.
KODAK shutters digital business, doubles down on film, citing strong YoY growth from the hipster demographic.