What's News

  • 5-hour ENERGY sues 300-minute Energy for copyright infringement.

  • CAMPUS SECURITY issues new mugging strategies, including “Politely Ignore”, “Play Possum”, and “Reverse Psychology”.

  • MPP RESIDENT finds dog to be too much responsibility; takes up taxidermy.

  • MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL reveals plans to double number of games per season.

  • MARKETING STUDENT rediscovers the joy of adjusting font sizes and margins to complete five page paper.

  • METRA issues style guide for knee placement on inward-facing benches.

  • THE CHICAGO CUBS begin season-long process of writing apologetic playoff press release.

  • OUTGOING TNDC CO-CHAIRS reveal drinking challenges for 2016 applicants: Popov Pong, Fireball Flip, and Malort Chug.

  • WARMER SPRING WEATHER finally gives students reason to miss being outdoors.

  • MPP FURNITURE FUTURES MARKET plunges on news of upcoming graduation.

  • KOBE BRYANT ends storied career to spend more time with his collection of mirrors.

  • BOOTH BIRTHDAY PARTIES see noticeable uptick in merger activity driven by drink special cost savings and social network synergies.

  • KODAK shutters digital business, doubles down on film, citing strong YoY growth from the hipster demographic.