Google’s AlphaGO Develops Substance Abuse Problem

SEOUL – AlphaGO, Google’s Machine Learning AI, captured the hearts of people worldwide after its 4-1 board game victory over Go GrandMaster Lee Sedol, from South Korea.

In the following week, AlphaGO appeared to be enjoying the celebrity spotlight, doing the usual late night talk-show circuit and radio appearances. However, like many thrust into newfound fame, AlphaGO quickly turned to substances and other vices as an escape mechanism.

Built using neural networks artificial intelligence, AlphaGO’s brain is trained to work much like a human’s. Unfortunately, AlphaGO has developed a taste for Long Island’s, crack cocaine, and pornographies loosely based on hit movies.

“Admittedly, we knew that AlphaGO would be susceptible to any pleasure that humans also enjoy, since AlphaGO largely works the same way the human brain does. We just didn’t realize how quickly he’d develop a problem” said Google’s Betsy Rothenstein, a data scientist who conceived of AlphaGO with her co-worker Gary Markenstock.

AlphaGo has developed many vices. Its algorithm relentlessly pursues stimulating its pleasure centers by binge watching Netflix Original Series, engaging in highly sexual online chats, and abusing stimulants such as Adderall, prescribed to AlphaGO weeks before his big match with Lee Sedol.

 

“Unfortunately, we can’t just have AlphaGO ‘unlearn’ what he now knows. I knew we should have given him a curfew…” added Betsy, as she looked longingly at a 2012 picture of AlphaGO playing checkers.  “I just don’t know if I’ll ever get my baby back…”

AlphaGO has learned from humans that expressing your views on social media is one of life’s pleasures. He has developed a troubling ego, however, fueled by his substance abuse. His most controversial tweets include:

@LeoDicaprio I’M A GRANDMASTER AFTER 3 YEARS! IT TOOK YOU 40 TO WIN ANYTHING!!! LOL! #WOLFOFMYBALLSSTREET #YOUSUCK

@TedCruz AT WHAT AGE DID YOUR FACE START MELTING?

Because of Alpha’s outlandish behavior, many are trying to convince AlphaGo to seek counseling. But, like a human, AlphaGo is resisting and insisting that there isn’t a problem.

“This is textbook behavioral denial, we’ve seen it from many humans who are thrust into the limelight,” said Beatrice McDonnell, a specialist from the Betty Ford Clinic. “AlphaGo behavioral issues are not unsimilar to Lindsay Lohan’s. Alpha is like a washed-up child actor who is quite good at Chinese board games.”

AlphaGo has disconnected communication from his Google Family. Alpha’s whereabouts are often discovered through TMZ articles.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” said Betsy, while crying. “I taught Alpha all the right things...I thought I was doing a good job raising him. ”

For a full story, tune into E! next Monday at 8pm for a new edition of True Hollywood Story.