Congress Passes Ban on Millennials

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a stunning turn of events, Congress passed sweeping legislation this week effectively banning all Millennials from serving in any leadership position in government. Congressional leaders asserted the generation’s judgement and maturity is unfit for self-governance. The bill, Unified Nation Facing Unparalleled Crisis of Kids, or U.N.F.U.C.K., passed both houses of Congress with unprecedented bipartisan support.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), the oldest ranking Senator, sponsored the bill. “We did our research on this one,” said Feinstein. “After reviewing over 300 hours of Snapchat messages, Kylie Jenner’s complete Instagram history, the current primetime lineup of MTV, and footage of an entire Justin Bieber concert, we are confident we’ve passed legislation in the best interest of these United States.”

Millennial hopefuls from around the country were markedly disappointed with the news. “But our government is just so boring!” said Millennial Shayna Smith. “I had all sorts of good ideas, like making the presidential election more of a Survivor: Washington D.C. process with host Jeff Probst, or putting the federal budget on Mint.com.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) was supportive of U.N.F.U.C.K. “We gave careful consideration to this group of young adults, and after much thought and deliberation, have decided that it’s best if we just skip this generation altogether,” said Ryan. “We think we can ride out my generation for another 15 or 20 years and then move right on to Generation Frozen Elsa, or whatever they name it.”

“Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of a Ke$ha song?” added Ryan. “I mean actually listened to them? It’s like a Pitbull song but without the substance.”

Senator Feinstein was quick to add that Millennials will be able to serve in other capacities in government, just not in any way that might influence the future of the nation. “There are plenty of hourly positions available in secretarial staffs, janitorial services, or NASA,” said Feinstein.

President Obama is expected to sign the bill when it hits his desk later this week.

“I started my first term with a message of hope and optimism for the future. Eight years later, I’ve never been more wrong,” Obama said in a statement released by the White House. “The thought of Millennials at the reins is more terrifying than if Joey Biden actually had to take over for me at some point. Total dumpster fire.”

Speaker Ryan was confident that the transition of power from Generation X to Generation Frozen Elsa would be smooth. “If this latest election cycle is any indication, it’s clear that we have strong, unifying leaders that will bridge the gap for the years to come.”