Populist GBC Slate Wins in Shocking Landslide

By: Patrick Burke, ‘17

ACT for Booth, the dark-horse GBC slate, won the Executive Board election last Friday in a shocking upset after a four-day-long, highly unconventional, populist campaign. Many had written off the underdog slate as inexperienced, unprepared, and unfit for the responsibilities of the Graduate Business Council. Nevertheless, the new leadership team takes office today and is expected to immediately set a new direction for Chicago Booth.

The ACT for Booth slate ran on a set of questionable campaign promises, with a central tenet focused on banning all tortilla and rice-based dishes in Kovler Cafe. And while the other competing slates were focused on principles of inclusivity and transparent communication, ACT for Booth struck a darker tone. Their divisive slogan “Make Booth Quant Again” was only trumped by their more controversial rallying cry to “send the marketers back to Kellogg”.

Just hours into its administration, ACT for Booth has been questioned on their use of “alternative facts”. Despite their insistence that their campaign table had “the biggest, hugest crowds the mail folders have ever seen,” photographs show their table lacked any visitors at all. The other two competing slates offered free coffee and chocolates to lure potential voters. ACT for Booth, on the other hand, only handed out maroon hats with their embroidered campaign slogan. The hats were allegedly designed and manufactured at the Beijing School of Management.

The ACT for Booth slate has also drawn the ire of many human rights advocates and civil liberties groups. In one particular campaign speech, ACT for Booth leadership openly mocked a disabled ChiBus writer who suffers from male pattern baldness. ACT for Booth has also publicly threatened retribution to news outlets that openly criticize the size of their tiny, tiny hands.

In its first full day in office on Monday, the administration announced several shocking policy changes, including the cancellation of the foreign exchange program, the dismantling of the OUTreach student group, and a repeal of the controversial U-SHIP insurance program. Critics claim that hundreds will be left without health insurance and Pink Parties.

ACT for Booth has also promised the construction of a 20 foot-deep moat around the Harper Center, which they insist will be paid for by the criminal gangs in Hyde Park. Opponents say that students will be forced to front the bill through higher tuition, and gang leader Cuz Droze reiterated on Friday that his organization “ain’t pay for shit.” Cuz Droze has also reportedly cancelled his highly anticipated summit with ACT for Booth, scheduled to occur next Wednesday in study room C52.

The ACT for Booth victory comes as a shock as dozens of school-wide polls showed the Simplifly slate as the clear front runner just hours before the election. Clearly demoralized and upset after their loss, the entire Simplifly slate was later seen hiking along the Lakeshore path where a sympathetic voter snapped a picture with them, later posting it to social media with the hashtag “#LoveTrumpsACT”.

Underlying the historic upset is Booth’s unique system of electing its leaders, whereby votes are physically cast by students, immediately lit on fire, and thrown into a garbage can. The winner is then chosen by Deputy Dean Stacey Kole by spinning a giant roulette wheel after a few glasses of wine.

No one knows for sure what ACT for Booth holds in store for the future of Booth, but students and other business schools alike will watch closely as the next step in our student democracy unfolds.

Patrick Burke is a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist. His latest investigative work sheds light on the plight of under-employed housewives of San Jose, California and their impact on the Great American Whipped Cream Shortage of 2011.