By: Patrick Burke, Class of 2017
With time ticking down in her final year of business school, second year student Sara Lampkin is slowly realizing that time is running short for her to make good on several dozen half-hearted commitments made over the past five quarters and schedule several hundred more. Panged with a consuming sense of guilt and obligation, Lampkin has begun the process of scheduling dozens of happy hours, girls nights, TNDC pre-games, wine and movie nights, and lunch dates.
“It’s crucial that I spend one-on-one time with every person I’ve ever met at Booth,” contended Lampkin. “I’m really trying to cement each fleeting acquaintance into a deep and lasting friendship in the next few weeks.”
Close friends say they worry about ever seeing Lampkin again before graduation at the cost of her hectic social schedule. Experts say it’s physically impossible to schedule that many happy hours and not develop substance abuse problems.
With a new class of first years in the mix, many expect her list of happy hours to only grow. Friend and Commercializing Innovation teammate Gary Jobson recently witnessed her promising a Gilmore Girls binge night to her first year Random Walk group in the Winter Garden.
“Just don’t expect her to make good on that,” he warned sternly. “I’m still waiting on our final project celebration from last Winter. You’ll be watching Rory and Lorelai alone.”
Lampkin conceded she has a full calendar. “I’ve probably got between 60 and 80 verbal commitments from people to grab a drink at any given time. I usually schedule with the people I see on the Metra or in the MPP elevator lobby. Or anytime I see someone whose name I remember.”
“But how else will I figure out how everyone’s classes are going this quarter?” Lampkin lamented. “And what classes they’re taking next quarter? And where they’re going for Spring Break? Or if they’re taking time to travel after school!?!”
“She’s been handing out invitations like they’re condoms at an undergraduate wellness clinic,” said cohort squadmate and close friend Candice Bullard. “I just heard her the other day at LPF asking a complete stranger to grab a glass of wine soon. While they were both holding glasses of wine! For Christ’s sake I’ve been waiting for over 14 months for our happy hour at Ida Noyes!”
But pressed on whether or not they actually want to catch up with Lampkin, her friends all responded similarly.
“Well… I guess not. All we’re going to talk about is my classes this quarter and what I’m taking next quarter. Or where I’m traveling for spring break and the summer. We’ll probably end up making small talk for a few more minutes, trash talking the first years a little bit, and then we’ll both pretend like we have some ‘homework’ to do,” said Bullard.
“You know, in the end, I really don’t even really like the girl,” she admitted. They are tentatively scheduled to grab a drink at Howells and Hood in two weeks.
Patrick Burke is a second year MBA student at Chicago Booth, scraping the bottom of the barrel for topics to satirize. He has plans to catch up with Sara Lampkin next quarter.