Second-year student Blake Graham learned late last week that he was unwittingly being forced to graduate from The University of Chicago Booth School of Business, despite his best efforts to avoid the deeply traumatizing event.
“It’s just far too soon,” lamented Graham. “It all went by like I was a goldfish hopped up on Tito’s and Adderall. I literally can’t remember anything. What a blur.”
Upon learning that he would soon accumulate 20 credits of classes and return to the cruel, real world, Graham was reported to have a complete existential breakdown. Friends and relatives say he had not been this visibly shaken since the passing of his childhood pet gerbil, Mr. Pippers, in a tragic drowning accident involving an oversized bowl of potato leek soup.
“He called me about two months ago and all he could say was ‘Why Booth’ over and over again between sobs” said Graham’s mother, Cindy. “It was nice to finally hear from him between international vacations, though.”
Graham spent the following weeks desperately attempting to sabotage his impending graduation. He first tried to fail his Winter exams. But, despite not studying for two of his three exams last quarter, and simply not showing up to the third, Graham was shocked to learn that he had earned a B+ in each course when grades were released in March.
“I actually got an email from one of my professors asking me to be a TA in his class the next quarter,” said a bewildered Graham. “I always wondered how those selections were made.”
Sensing a mistake, Graham made an appointment with Director of Academic Services, Christine Gramhofer, to straighten things out and receive his “Incomplete” marks for the quarter.
“When I sat down and explained the situation, she actually struck my wrist. Now, I thought that a wrist slapping was maybe a little bit too literal, but honestly I was relieved,” recalled Graham. “But then I realized she had actually slapped a brand new Movado watch onto my wrist and then everyone was in her office cheering and congratulating me on graduating! It was surreal.”
Graham’s next attempt to delay the inevitable was to register for Spring Quarter classes that did not fulfill his graduation requirements. But despite not planning his academic path for two years and deliberately attempting to sabotage his degree, Graham ended up with concentrations in economics, finance, international business, strategic management, entrepreneurship, operations management, marketing analytics, and general management.
“I don’t even remember taking an econ class other than baby micro!” said an exasperated Graham. “And I’ve definitely never taken a single entrepreneurship class. Are they just giving these things away?”
Graham’s final appeal was to Dean of the Full-Time MBA Program, Stacey Kole, herself.
“I went in her office and explained my issue,” recalled Graham. “And she just kept winking at me. No words, just winking over and over. So finally I simply said ‘I’m not going to leave’. Well, let’s just say that you don’t want to mess with Stacey’s graduation rate. I’ll be front and center at graduation on June 10th.”
Patrick Burke is a second-year student at Booth with serious thoughts about decelerating. He has not been this visibly shaken since his pet chinchilla perished in a tragic chicken tortilla soup accident.