An Interview with Satan

Last Friday morning, a Chibus reporter caught up with one of the more popular exchange students here at Booth: Satan. Sporting his classic all-nude style, shades and the Chicago Booth scarf, Satan met with us at Harper Center, next to the reception, where those tables designed for non-Booth people are. We decided to stay there and avoid going to the Winter Garden, where we would have been forced to make small talk with people we moderately dislike.

Chicago Business [CB]: What motivated your decision to attend business school and more importantly, what brought you to Chicago Booth?

Satan [S]: Frankly, it’s getting busier down in Hell. When we first designed the place, the Earth’s population consisted of like 500 people. It’s been a struggle through the years to modernize it, and you guys really let loose over the past century. We need more countries to follow Japan’s act and stop having kids due to the enormous stresses of corporate life.

About a year ago, to build my career as the ruler of one of the afterlives, I decided I needed more organizational skills, and better teamwork dynamics, so I applied to a few business schools. After struggling through reams of essays so complex they would make my minions cry tears of joy, I currently go to LBS. Brexit’s been great for me there, I’m meeting a lot of future clients. I then saw what happened with the US elections and decided I needed to come over. As my boi Drake would say: “started from the bottom now we here”. Sooo … why Booth?

Satan makes mandatory shitty Kellogg joke. We all laugh hysterically for 37 minutes. 23 Uber pools are formed and booked. 2 professors pass, looking at us askance

Well, firstly, I LOVE maroon, and I had also heard great things about the gratuitous bidding system that unnecessarily scars people for life – that’s the kind of out-of-box thinking we need down in Hell nowadays, torture methods have really stagnated lately. Plus, I knew The Economist ranked it as the #1 MBA in the world (#rankingislife).

[CB]: Now for a rapid-fire round. Are you ready? Let’s begin!

[CB]: Favorite class at Booth?

[S]: Baby Investments.

[CB]: Favorite art piece at Harper?

[S]: Can’t decide – I commissioned all of them.

[CB]: Favorite Booth Club?

[S]: Christians in Business. They don’t like me, but they respect me.

[CB]: Favorite Harper employee?

[S]: That “no talking or texting in the coffee line” guy at Kovler every morning.

 

[CB]: Chicago is a vibrant city – what’s it been like to live here – have you branched out into the community?

[S]: Oh, Satan no. I’ve made it a crucial priority to hang out with Booth people exclusively, and essentially replicate my high-school years in my late 20s. I prefer hanging out with 1Ys like me – I found the cultural and generational gaps between 1Ys and 2Ys to be outrageously significant. That said, I disliked the idea of living in MPP – I mean, I know I come from Hell and everything, but like, come on.

So I live in River North, in Fremont – it’s not really a residential building, but I found a room there. I also help them around with stuff in exchange for a discount on rent: I designed their upper level “hole in the middle of the f**king floor”, and I personally select the people who can enter the place during weekend brunches. Other things I enjoy about Chicago: long-walks through the South Side, taking Ubers in lower Wacker Drive (when their GPS stops working), and really, pretty much everything about River North.

[CB]: Any last words for all our readers here in Chicago, and all over the world?

[S]: Yeah, it’s been a great experience. I’m sorry I didn’t get to do a Random Walk, but we are talking with World Strides to perhaps organize The Mystery Trip down to my place soon. It’s either that, or a remix of the popular France bike-tour Random Walk - this time, in Siberia, and with limited food & drinks. It’s still going to cost $3,500 though.

Finally, I would urge fellow-students to keep talking in class, especially if they have nothing to say or simply want to share useless, boring details about their past personal/professional lives that have nothing to do with the subject. That way, I can guarantee we will meet again.

PS: We asked Satan why he had the shades on inside on a Friday morning. He responded by saying: “Sunglasses and Advil, last nite was mad real”.