What's News: 5/1/2017

  • Popular housing complex announces massive upgrade of internet facilities from telegraph-based to dial-up internet. Students report 47% increase in browsing speeds to 3 Kbps

  • Mass panic breaks out on Friday among students fearing that email system is broken when they do not receive their three daily Polsky emails by 1 PM. Calm restored after GBC emails make it through

  • Organizers report that the event “Organizing Flagship Events: A Summit on Summits” was a grand success, with 300 odd Co-Chairs signing up to learn how to better drop promotional material into mail folders. ChiBus GroupMe flooded by over enthusiastic Editor with tips from the summit

  • Announced tuition increase of 2% widely ignored. Rumored hike of Kovler Cafe rates greeted with widespread rumblings of protest

  • So called business school opens new flagship building. Highlights include a several thousand foot outdoor plaza for working and collaborating. Plaza’s utilization expected to be close to 100% in the warm, almost tropical, climate that Chicago experiences throughout the year

  • Crew of “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” reboot visits Harper to audition students enrolled in Negotiations. Casting Director Jeremiah Gasbick said “We’ve never seen a cross-section of people so good at theatrical eye-narrowing”

  • Emergency Services called after student gets lost on the 3rd floor. Visibly shaken victim said “I saw 7 different signs that asked me to turn right for the room I wanted. It took me 3 hours to realize I was walking in circles”

  • Scientists observe first-ever rip in space-time continuum as Party in the Sky tickets run out even before sales begin