Student Expected to Win Nobel Prize

HYDE PARK - Sitting in the front row of class has finally paid off for first-year MBA student Noel Lindeman. A groundbreaking comment made during his introductory Microeconomics course is widely expected to earn him the Nobel Prize in Economics.

Lindeman was able to identify a link between the price of a good and the quantity sold, a relationship extensively misunderstood until this past week. Economists have already dubbed the concept the “Lindeman Curve.”

 Lindeman's theoretical relationship between price and quantity is expected to win the student a Nobel Prize.

Lindeman's theoretical relationship between price and quantity is expected to win the student a Nobel Prize.

“I knew I was onto something,” recounted a smug Lindeman. “It just seemed like when the price went down, people would want to buy more. So that’s exactly what I said.”

Despite being an introductory economics course, and having no prior experience in economics, Lindeman seems to have drawn a unique conclusion that escaped the thousands of students before him.

Lindeman’s professor, Alex Frankel, described the remark as revelatory. “I wasn’t asking the class for comments, but he just stuck his hand up there like he had something to say. And boy did he,” recalled Frankel.

“You always hope those front-row students will make even more unsolicited contributions to class discussions, and Noel really came through on this one.”

Lindeman’s peers were floored by his insight. “A hush came over the room as soon as he said he wanted to piggyback off of my comment,” said classmate Jorge Rodriguez. “I just hope I get to wear his medal once or twice.”

The Nobel prize consensus was reached after scrutiny from a panel of international economic scholars left Lindeman as the clear winner. Chairman Sjvenrik Malksjizen of the Swedish Nobel committee described Lindeman’s contribution as “brazen genius unknown to mankind.”

Lindeman follows a long line of Nobel prize winners in the UChicago community, and becomes the eighth winner at Chicago Booth.

“We are thrilled to have another Nobel Laureate in the Booth Community,” said Dean Sunil Kumar. “I have volunteered to personally paint Noel’s portrait for our school’s gallery.”

Lindeman was also considered for the Nobel Peace Prize for his consequent contribution to world economic improvement. This year’s award is generally expected to be awarded to Chad Evans, however, a second-year student who broke up a bar fight at Social 25 in early 2015.

 

Google’s AlphaGO Develops Substance Abuse Problem

SEOUL – AlphaGO, Google’s Machine Learning AI, captured the hearts of people worldwide after its 4-1 board game victory over Go GrandMaster Lee Sedol, from South Korea.

In the following week, AlphaGO appeared to be enjoying the celebrity spotlight, doing the usual late night talk-show circuit and radio appearances. However, like many thrust into newfound fame, AlphaGO quickly turned to substances and other vices as an escape mechanism.

Built using neural networks artificial intelligence, AlphaGO’s brain is trained to work much like a human’s. Unfortunately, AlphaGO has developed a taste for Long Island’s, crack cocaine, and pornographies loosely based on hit movies.

“Admittedly, we knew that AlphaGO would be susceptible to any pleasure that humans also enjoy, since AlphaGO largely works the same way the human brain does. We just didn’t realize how quickly he’d develop a problem” said Google’s Betsy Rothenstein, a data scientist who conceived of AlphaGO with her co-worker Gary Markenstock.

AlphaGo has developed many vices. Its algorithm relentlessly pursues stimulating its pleasure centers by binge watching Netflix Original Series, engaging in highly sexual online chats, and abusing stimulants such as Adderall, prescribed to AlphaGO weeks before his big match with Lee Sedol.

 

“Unfortunately, we can’t just have AlphaGO ‘unlearn’ what he now knows. I knew we should have given him a curfew…” added Betsy, as she looked longingly at a 2012 picture of AlphaGO playing checkers.  “I just don’t know if I’ll ever get my baby back…”

AlphaGO has learned from humans that expressing your views on social media is one of life’s pleasures. He has developed a troubling ego, however, fueled by his substance abuse. His most controversial tweets include:

@LeoDicaprio I’M A GRANDMASTER AFTER 3 YEARS! IT TOOK YOU 40 TO WIN ANYTHING!!! LOL! #WOLFOFMYBALLSSTREET #YOUSUCK

@TedCruz AT WHAT AGE DID YOUR FACE START MELTING?

Because of Alpha’s outlandish behavior, many are trying to convince AlphaGo to seek counseling. But, like a human, AlphaGo is resisting and insisting that there isn’t a problem.

“This is textbook behavioral denial, we’ve seen it from many humans who are thrust into the limelight,” said Beatrice McDonnell, a specialist from the Betty Ford Clinic. “AlphaGo behavioral issues are not unsimilar to Lindsay Lohan’s. Alpha is like a washed-up child actor who is quite good at Chinese board games.”

AlphaGo has disconnected communication from his Google Family. Alpha’s whereabouts are often discovered through TMZ articles.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore,” said Betsy, while crying. “I taught Alpha all the right things...I thought I was doing a good job raising him. ”

For a full story, tune into E! next Monday at 8pm for a new edition of True Hollywood Story.

What's News

  • Apple enlists Michael J. Fox in new advertisement touting iPhone camera stabilization.

  • Study: Boothies think about drinking once every eight seconds.

  • Manufacturing defect leaves thousands of winter coats stuffed with live Canadian geese.

  • Breakthrough marketing research finds strong correlation between product price and quantity sold.

  • New student group co-chairs finalize travel plans for year-long power trip.

  • GBC plans to hand out fifths to a fourth of admits on third first day in its second year.

  • Consulting candidate adds “High stakes legal experience” to resume after watching entire Law and Order series.

  • MPP finally installs the slower elevators its residents have been clamoring for.

  • Ben Carson, Jeb Bush and Chris Christie request access to GTS for internship opportunities.

  • MCG considers replacing “no-show” penalty checks with public stockade in Winter Garden next fall.

  • Student outraged that he did not get class that others spent more bid points on.

  • Exhausted woman gives up on final squeeze of toothpaste, opens new tube.

Zika Virus Worries Spring Breakers

Patrick Burke ‘17

HYDE PARK - Spring break hopefuls around Chicago Booth are growing increasingly concerned about the effects of the Zika virus on their vacation plans. About a third of the MBA students are expected to travel to tropical locations this March.

“Like, what if all the hotel staff are dead or something?” asked a concerned Tiffany McMiller. The first-year student plans to visit Colombia with 85 of her closest friends. “I really wanted to get my towels folded into those fun animal shapes!”

The Zika virus, first discovered several years ago by biologists, has accelerated its spread throughout the tropical Americas, leaving death and deformities in its wake. Risks are highest to children, the elderly, and child-bearing females.

“It’s just, like, so freaky! I mean... it’s not like I’m trying to get pregnant, but like, it’s happened a few times before,” said McMiller.

Travelers have been advised to stay away from standing water, pools, and wooded areas. Second-year student Charlie Bagelton seemed undeterred. “Fuck it. I’m getting ripped and zip lining through that endangered rainforest no matter what,” said Bagelton.

“My parents didn’t pay for my flight to Costa Rica just to sit on the beach covered in bug spray and blackout on Corona Lights. I’m going to see a motherfucking sloth,” he insisted.

The World Health Organization has suggested that vacationers exhibit extreme caution until the full extent of the risks are understood. The U.S. State Department has issued warnings to travelers, highlighting the risk posed to health and safety.

“I hear it can be transmitted sexually now,” said Bagelton. “I guess I’ll have to learn how to use a condom. Do you need a prescription for those?”

Despite the local epidemic, the travelers remained optimistic. “I just want to get drunk before noon, buy a puka shell necklace, and get my hair braided by a beautiful, topless Mexican man on the beach,” said McMiller.

McMiller was disappointed to learn that Mexicans do not reside in Colombia, but was relieved to hear that Colombians speak Spanish.

“Me and my bros are gonna totally crush this trip,” said Bagelton. “I mean, seriously, how much worse can Zika be than herpes?”

That Job Wasn’t for Me Anyway

By Jeb Bush

CORAL GABLES - After I pulled out of the race, many people have shared their condolences and have asked if I am doing alright. My friends tell me it was a fluke, and that I can run again in 2020, people do it all the time.

But honestly, I’m not even that upset that my campaign didn’t work out. Yes, it’s an extremely prestigious job, arguably the most prestigious in the world. And yes, it offers the ability to influence the direction of a nation. Of course, the perks are great, flying on Air Force One sounds really freaking neat. Also, the housing is free and the meals are comped. Hell, I hear presidents eat better than the employees at Google.

However, at what cost? The work/life balance is miserable, the salary isn’t nearly as great as other opportunities, and the DC location, sounds fun year or two, but not four or eight. And what are the exit opportunities? Endless speaking tours? Write a book titled “Jeb Memoirs!”? No thanks! I don’t even like people that much in the first place, makes me sleepy. Also, the ratio sucks in the House and Senate; I’d be around guys all day.

Sure, I wanted to work at the White House. I even used to say it was my dream job. It would have looked great on my resume. I used to draw pictures of me in the Oval Office and move plastic tanks around my map of the Middle East in my bedroom. I would day-dream about giving CEOs high-fives for lowering corporate tax rates.

To help me get there, my caring brother George spent endless time prepping me for the press and debates through ‘case studies,’ asking me questions like “You would have invaded Iraq, right?” My father would come over on Sunday nights and would pepper me with questions to simulate a real debate. George would always throw me a Low-Carb Monster Energy before the debate to try to get my energy level up. Both of them were great at trying to pay it forward.

But come on, 16 hour days, endless travel, living in DC, and the constant scrutiny? Yuck, I’d much rather spend time with my beautiful wife Columba and take the occasional skiing trip. I like skiing.

The White House sounds great, on paper, but it’s not for me, it’s not for Jeb!

Man Vows to Keep to one Drink at TNDC

By Patrick Burke '17

CHICAGO - Chicago Booth first-year student Tim Roberts has vowed only to have one drink at this week’s Thursday Night Drinking Club, colloquially known as TNDC. Roberts, who recently landed an internship at a big-three consulting firm, said he has a productive Friday lined up.

“I’ve got a full day of things to do on Friday, so I’ll probably just stay for a few minutes and call it an early night,” claimed the graduate student. “I know my limits.”

An informal poll of Roberts’ close acquaintances suggests that he does not have limits. “I’ve never seen Tim not completely blackout at a TNDC,” said Judy Punch, a team member of Tim’s Commercializing Innovation group. “He says this literally every Thursday afternoon.”

“He always walks in and says ‘I’ll probably just stay for a few minutes and call it an early night,’” recalls Harrison Botsford, Roberts’ roommate. “Then three hours later, the lights come on and he’s the first one sprinting to Social 25, like it’s some kind of race.”

Attendance records from Tim’s Friday morning class reveal that he has not attended a single lecture. “Yeah, it’s been hit or miss, but this week is the week it all turns around,” declared Roberts confidently.

Despite not making a single Friday class, Roberts has a perfect attendance record at TNDC this year.

“Last week I saw him at Bottlefork trying to get the entire kitchen staff to do shots with him,” said Punch. “He was trying to speak to them in a combination of Spanish and sign language. He ended up taking all of the shots himself.”

“I don’t know that he’s made it to his bedroom on a Thursday this quarter,” said Botsford. “We actually had to get our couch professionally cleaned three weeks ago after he used his Dough Bros Pepperoni Pizza as a pillow.”

Despite his past, Roberts is confident about this week: “Just one Red Bull-Vodka and I’m calling it a night.”

Roberts is widely expected to win the Co-Chair nomination for TNDC this spring.

Patrick Burke is a first-year MBA student. His hard-hitting investigative journalism has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, Canadian Horticulture Weekly, and the Hollister Spring 2009 catalog.

 

Booth unveils MBA ranking incentives program

By Patrick Burke '17

The Chicago Booth administration announced today that it will offer students a new, mandatory incentive program tied to the aggregate Booth MBA rankings. Administrators collaborated with the Economics and Behavioral Science departments to craft the program.

“We believe it’s important that we tie our ranking to tangible rewards and punishments, and that accountability starts with the student body,” said Professor Richard Thaler of the Economics department.

An early draft of the plan calls for charging students for toilet paper and hand towels in all Chicago Booth bathrooms if the ranking falls by one place. All LPF beer and wine will be replaced with Diet Sprite and Welch’s grape juice if the ranking drops by two places. If Booth falls out of the top 10, the wireless internet will be replaced with dial-up modem connections and the grade non-disclosure policy will be revoked.

 

Similarly, improvements in the Booth rankings will reward students. For each spot that the school climbs, Booth will present students with a one month subscription to Private Equity Internationalthe Hallmark movie channel. Any top three ranking will award students with a laminated copy of Dean Sunil Kumar's seminal research paper "Performance Bounds for Queueing Networks and Scheduling Policies.” If the Booth ranking hits number one, students will each receive discounted color printing at all University facilities for one month and a Cracker Barrel coupon, redeemable at any one of the restaurant’s four Chicagoland locations.

“It’s more important than ever to stay competitive in the MBA landscape,” asserted Dean Kumar. “UChicago’s long tradition of economic incentives research has been invaluable in creating what we think will become a standard practice in our field.”

Thaler believes he and his colleagues have hit a homerun with the program. “We’re glad that we finally found the right recipe for this project, after our trial with shock collars was met with initial resistance.”

What's News

Admit wearing cape and chainmail disappointed to learn that most Booth students do not play Dungeons and Dragons

Study funded by WorldStrides reveals students who did not participate in a Random Walk make 12% less in lifetime earnings, live fundamentally unhappy lives

In attempt to shift perception of Booth brand, DMAC unveils new slogan “Booth: Now 18.762% less data driven”

Three first years and two second years named to Forbes’ annual “Drunkest Under 30” list

LOR earns notable mention in “Summer Camp Monthly” publication as one of nation’s “10 Best Youth or Adolescent Programs”

93% of individuals affected by Chipotle food-borne illness report E. coli filled experience as “still better than eating at Qdoba”

National Weather Service teams with private sector to brand tropical storms; launches campaign with “Hurricane Katrina, sponsored by Whirlpool”

First year student relieved to hear that roof is not retracted in Winter Garden between January and April

Booth Student Discovers UChicago

Patrick Burke

Class of 2017

 A Whole New World?

A Whole New World?

Second-year student Ramiro Sanchez Caballero discovered late Wednesday that the Booth School of Business is actually one school among eleven graduate programs and an undergraduate program that comprise the University of Chicago. Sanchez Caballero was previously unaware that a collection of world-class schools and disciplines surround the business school, having never actually been outside of the Harper Center.

The University of Chicago is home to over 15,000 students. “I just figured Booth was located in the middle of a rich, young, diverse neighborhood,” admitted the confused graduate student. “I guess this explains all of the North Face backpacks and Bieber haircuts.”

Spending nearly two years on the Hyde Park campus had little impact on Sanchez Caballero’s understanding of his surroundings. “I suppose those buildings aren’t really private mansions after all,” he commented as he gestured to the University’s gothic-style quadrangle buildings.

Sanchez Caballero’s confusion is not uncommon. A recent poll revealed that 86% of Booth students have never ventured outside of the Harper Center or Ida Noyes pub while on campus. Less than 7% of students are aware that there are subjects other than finance and economics offered at the university.

“You’re telling me there’s a law school here?” asked Sanchez Caballero excitedly. “Next thing you’re going to tell me they have a school for doctors, too!”

Sanchez Caballero resides in the Loop in downtown Chicago. He was equally stunned to discover that the City of Chicago extends far north beyond the Gleacher center. “It turns out Wisconsin is considerably past Illinois Street,” he remarked.


Kovler Café reveals meat grade non-disclosure policy

 Kovler Cafe's official stance "Grades don't matter"

Kovler Cafe's official stance "Grades don't matter"

HARPER CENTER – Everyone is familiar with the Kovler Cafe in the Harper Center, but some students are left wondering “What's in the food? What are the meat quality grades?”

ChiBus investigated, requesting meat quality grades from Aramark Corporation, which runs Kovler.

“We have to abide by our meat grade non-disclosure policy,” said Jerry Berriman, Regional Head of Food Safety. “It is important for our employees to be able to take risks and not be worried about how food grades may impact their ability to recruit customers.”

Students are not pleased with the lack of transparency.

“Kovler reminds me of Subway without the bizarre smell. And I hate Subway,” said Tim Perriwinkle III, a second-year and self-described foodie, while staring at the film that had formed on the gravy. “But at least Subway lets us know that their bologna, ham, and salami are actually just reconstituted turkey.”

With an unsatisfied student base, we pressed former Aramark employees to reveal meat grades.

“Look, the grades while I worked there were actually pretty decent,” stated Marissa Minnie, a former two-year full time employee. “But, the reality of the matter is, it’s practically impossible to get a failing grade there.”

Upon further questioning, an anonymous source revealed that the turkey cubes in the salad line are strategically only graded on a Pass-Fail scale.


Tyler is a second-year that can be found in the salad line, preferring copious amounts of dried cranberries and walnuts to turkey cubes.

Administrators Move Smoking Area to 67th and Woodlawn

  Site of the proposed smoking area

Site of the proposed smoking area

In a surprise move, the Chicago Booth administration released a new policy for the designated smoking area on the Harper Center campus, effective immediately. The policy applies to cigarettes, e-cigarettes, candy cigarettes, and cigars.

Once about 15 feet from the East exit, the new location will be just over eight blocks south of campus in the up-and-coming Woodlawn neighborhood. A review of the Chicago Police crime statistics reveals 8 shootings, 4 stabbings, 37 incidents of gang-related violence and a jaywalking violation at the proposed location in the past week.

“We’re thrilled to offer our students this new location to enjoy their tobacco products,” said Dean Stacey Kole in a prepared statement.

Smokers had mixed reactions to the policy. “Wait, isn’t that in the ghetto?” asked Michael Cortez, ’17, as he took a long, slow drag from his Virginia Slim. “Maybe I’ll get roller skates or one of those hover boards for the walk between classes.”

Others had a more opportunistic view of the policy change. “This just gives me more options for what I can smoke,” said Rafa Tuachi, ‘17. “I heard that you can get all sorts of stuff down there. It’s great that Booth is offering us access to those markets.”

Pressed if the change in location would change their habits, the smokers seemed unfazed. “Honestly, it’s the only thing that keeps me going,” responded Cortez. “Between the soul-crushing interviews, pretending to remember everyone’s name, and the awful cafeteria sushi, these puppies are the only thing keeping me off the Metra tracks,” he remarked, as he lightly kissed his half-empty pack of Slims.

“I guess as long as I don’t get stabbed too often I’ll follow the policy,” said Tuachi. The administration declined to comment whether or not the campus security patrols would extend to 67th. “I’ll just have to figure out what colors not to wear,” he remarked.

A similar policy is being implemented at the Gleacher Center downtown, where students will have to smoke on the patches of ice that form in the Chicago River. “I think we can all agree that these changes are in the best interest of the student body,” remarked Dean Kole.

Note: No members of the administration were interviewed for this article.

(Title) Inflation & (Organizational) Equality

Prashob Menon ‘17

“Oh em gee, I can’t believe I totally, like, won!” exclaimed Jenny McArthur, a first-year Booth student. Her slate, on which she was listed as President, had just won the GBC’s Executive Board election. As a former sorority member Jenny had named her slate “Give me a B!” believing that everyone would get the reference to both cheerleading and Booth’s grading curve (they didn’t).

As she informed her slate of the good news, everyone from the Executive Vice President down to the Vice President of Executives responded ecstatically. Jenny knew her first act would be to determine her key priorities so to help shape them, she called a meeting.

The newly elected officials filed slowly into C52 later that day, many after circling the C-level of Harper, as though in search of the Room of Requirement. Kevin, the Executor of Presidents, was already in the room as Victor arrived.

“Well we just lost 25% of our meeting time – Jenny’s running 15 minutes late”, sighed Victor, the EVP of Water Fountain Temperature, as he walked in. After the last straggler rolled in John, the EVP of Weather-Related Jokes, decided to say something that was weighing heavy on his conscious.

 

He breathed in slowly, turning over different formulations of what he was about to say in his head before settling with “Doesn’t it strike you as unfair that only Jenny is the President and the rest of us aren’t? I really feel like we need to disrupt the election process by making us all Presidents!” The sentence was met with silence as the team digested the idea.

“You know…”, Kevin started, finally breaking the silence, “I’d been thinking something similar. Why is it that, just because she’s the most qualified, that she gets the job?” Kevin pressed forward, his voice now swelling, “Instead of emphasizing that some people have more skills than others, let’s set an example that merit doesn’t matter, only fairness does!”

The gathered executives were now giddy at the prospect of each being named President and voted to make all positions equal effective immediately. They also decided to rename the role to fit the new situation.

At this same moment Jenny finally arrived, oblivious to her newly changed position. Victor walked up to her, hand extended warmly, and loudly announced “Congrats on the victory, Ms. Co-Executive Chief Executive Officer!”

Prashob Menon is currently training for the 2018 Quidditch World Cup.

 

What's News

Frosty Beverages to be sponsored by Tony the Tiger in administration’s attempt to further infantilize students

Color-blind student wears green power tie to interview instead of red power tie; MCG issues fine

Frost-bitten Chicago native is hospitalized, loses three fingers; claims he’s still not cold

New confirmation bias study conducted by Managerial and Organizational Behavior department supports previously held theory

Ski Trip only results in two pregnancy scares, driven by Trojan® sponsorship.

Sexual encounters on ski trip up 13% compared to last year; awkward handshakes up 4% yoy on IBG trek

Ambitious admit has already started emailing other admits about forming groups for Autumn 2016 Classes

It is looking increasingly likely that people born after 1988 will still only have 3 presidents in their lifetime: Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Clinton

Poor round three bidding strategy leaves creepy second year unsure about when he will be able to take class with first year female

Second years spend most of Winter Break fiercely debating who the most attractive First Years are.

Coffee Chat with Dean Kole awarded coveted Michelin star; refreshments hailed as “the best $200,000 biscotti that money can buy”

Study funded by WorldStrides reveals students who did not participate in a Random Walk make 12% less in lifetime earnings, live fundamentally unhappy lives

UChicago campus security to launch new “We’re Not Mall Cops” public awareness campaign

University of Chicago continues successful campus security personnel recruitment at local malls

Booth Begins Kellogg Mentoring Program

In a newly formed partnership with the Kellogg School of Management, Booth students will soon have the opportunity to mentor MBA students from Northwestern’s business school. The program will feature subjects ranging from financial derivative products to simple addition and subtraction.

“We realize there is a real opportunity here to serve those less fortunate,” said Kendall Craven, co-chair of the Booth Mentoring Group, or BMG. “We’ve been asked to bring our expertise, but also our patience and any crayons or colored pencils we have.”

Leaders from both schools have expressed their support for the program. “We’re just excited to have some people in here that know math,” said Sally Blount, Dean of Kellogg. “Our students spend most of their time in Evanston learning about shapes, colors, and the four P’s. This can be a real game changer for us.”

“It’s a natural extension of our community outreach work,” said Dean Kumar. “Booth has a long history of helping those in the community with the most need.”

The Kellogg students will be transported to Hyde park in half-length yellow school buses twice a week. They will be accompanied by adult chaperones at all times. “We know they can get somewhat out of hand after they’ve finished their Capri Suns,” said Blount

If the first quarter of the program is successful, Craven said his group will expand the program to those at Kellogg with extra-special needs. “Some groups of them have a visceral reaction when they see numbers. They literally start to hiss and scratch, like trying to put a cat in a bathtub. We think through gradual exposure, we can slowly work up from times tables, to Ti-89s, and eventually get spreadsheets into their lives.”

Saying “No” to Consulting: A Woman’s Right to Choose

By Kelly Fee '16

 Kelly Fee '16

Kelly Fee '16

My favorite moment during coffee chats with 1Ys interested in consulting is right after I mention, “I’m not going back, by the way.” The bewilderment that ensues has been the highlight of my second year thus far (with Dean Kumar’s verbose rankings emails trailing at a close second). Without exception, the next question is always a timid, “Do you mind me asking why you’re not going back?” At this point, I shuffle through my list of canned responses:

Why aren’t you going back?

Oh, I don’t want to.

Meh, pass.

Hard pass.

Good for you. Not for me.

I’m pregnant.*

All of the above.

*This response maximizes awkwardness levels and ensures a deer-in-the-headlights look

I typically choose a combination of a) and d) and begin explaining my thought process in economics terms: benefits and costs.

The benefits of consulting, for me, are branding, learning opportunities, salary, network, and exit opportunities. Each of these benefits has a different value for each person. It’s highly personal.

The costs of consulting are, again for me, time with friends and family, concerts and other weekday entertainment, reading books, starting a company, sleep, being on the board of a non-profit, volunteering, church involvement, Netflix and chill, etc. Each of these costs has a different value for each person. It’s highly personal.

Throughout the summer, I pondered the currency I use to pay for the benefits of consulting:

“How many summer dinners with my boyfriend am I willing to pay for insight into the change management challenges of this Fortune 1000 company?”

“This whole godforsaken industry might be worth it just for the amazing food.”

Ultimately, I faced this question: is my willingness to pay high enough for the benefits of consulting?

Answer: Yeah, no, it’s not. Please see the graphical representation below in case you don’t read well.


2Y Perspective

Sharing my “Bye, Felicia Consulting” news with 2Ys is just as entertaining as when I tell 1Ys. Responses typically fall into one of these buckets:

Ok, so now what are you gonna do? (Side note: Thank you, fellow 2Ys, for projecting your insecurities and recruiting timelines on me with this one.)

That makes sense. I never saw you as a consultant.

Good thing you got the internship.

(And now, my all-time favorite as well as the most common response from people who are themselves going into consulting)

Wow! Good for you. Brave.

<rant>

Good for me? That’s your response? If I suffered from Chrohn’s disease and ordered gluten-free pizza at dinner, would you say, “Wow. Good for you. Really, good for you ordering food that won’t make you sick. You’re so brave?”

Fighter pilots are brave. Boothies who walk into Kaplan’s EFPE class late are brave. MBAs turning down a job they don’t want are, at a minimum, demonstrating a 4-grade-level ability to make decisions based on personal preferences and, at best, somewhat aware of their priorities.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that when it comes to job opportunities I’m pro-choice because I’m pro-life. “Golden handcuffs” is a B.S. concept because we put them on ourselves and we hold the key to unlock them. So let’s stop complaining about the taste of our gluten-free pizzas when we didn’t even have to order them because our gluten allergies are completely made up.

And while I’m on the topic of pizza, can I just say that you’re all wasting your time at Giordano’s. Lou Malnati’s is down. the. street. Just sayin’.

</rant>
Kelly is looking for a job and is $100K+ in debt, and wonders if you need your lawn mowed