What's News

  • Booth sent Apple a tuition bill for Siri, who has been overheard in multiple classes talking out of turn.

  • In holiday spirit, mugging victims have been giving a bit extra to their attackers in the month of December.

  • Students petitioned GBC to replace apples in Harper Center with Pedialyte on Fridays following TNDC.

  • Adult children look forward to watching movies with parents in silence, endlessly browsing social media over the holidays.

  • Republicans reignited the debate over whether the Earth is round or flat. The Heritage Foundation released research supporting the notion of a two-dimensional planet.

  • Man misses thrilling final episode of Westworld after his ex-girlfriend’s brother’s neighbor’s parents changed their HBOGO password.

  • Christian congregations are reminded to keep Jesus in mind during the holiday season; faithful wonder which color and style of Apple Watch messiah would have wanted.

  • Conspiracy theorists mistakenly protest outside of pizza parlor after “Illuminati” was autocorrected to “Lou Malnati” in monthly newsletter.

  • Chicago Business Humor Editor wonders if anyone actually reads the newspaper, publicly questions his extracurricular choices.

Trump Resigns Presidency Amidst Social Media Backlash

By: Patrick Burke, Class of 2017

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the face of losing the popular vote, and with half the country still in disbelief, Donald Trump announced that he would step down from the presidency on Monday. In making his decision, he cited the thousands of Facebook posts calling for his resignation.

“I’d like to sincerely thank everyone for their outpouring of emotional rants, pictures of themselves crying, and sad emoji faces on Facebook,” said Trump. “Without you spurring to action like this online, I would have never known to step down.”

Trump said it was the first time he had stepped back and examined what the public actually thought about him. “I’ve just had my Twitter app open this whole time on my phone and never saw any of your posts!” he said.

In a statement released Monday, Trump said he would instead use the next four years to do some soul-searching, start a legitimate charitable organization for migrant workers, and mend international relations alongside former President Jimmy Carter.

Trump’s inner circle supported the decision. “This definitely seems like the right thing to do,” said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie between donuts. “To be honest, we really didn’t have any idea how to be president. It was a sort of a ‘whale-out-of-water’ situation.”

“I truly had no idea people were so upset,” said a bewildered Trump. “Had I known people thought I was this unfit for the presidency, I would have never run in the first place!”

Trump is enacting the little known Franklin-Templeton clause in the Constitution to resign from the position of President-elect. The rule also allows Trump to use special, one-time executive powers.

Before resigning, Trump said he would enact several executive orders based on popular social media topics. “It sounds like the people want common sense background checks for guns and stronger environmental protections, so I’ll go ahead and enact those,” said Trump.

Trump is also expected to unilaterally overturn Citizens United, amend the Constitution to provide universal healthcare, and appoint a younger, scientific clone of Ruth Bader Ginsburg to the Supreme Court.

“Donald Trump has demonstrated a real mastery of Constitutional law with this maneuver,” said Professor Janet Frankenmuth of the U of C Law School. “And it appears he has undertaken all of this without the help of any legal scholars or aids. He really has an intricate understanding of our legal and political systems.”

This occasion marks the first time the full extent Franklin-Templeton clause will be exercised. The rule dictates that the office of president remain vacant while the country undergoes another 18 month presidential election, starting immediately.

Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, Rick Santorum, Rand Paul, and Mike Huckabee have indicated that they plan to run. Hillary Clinton could not be reached for comment.

Patrick Burke is a ChiBus Editorial contributor and member of the White House Press Corps. He has not left his bed since election night.

The 2017 ChiBus Challenge

By: Joseph Cherukara, Class of 2018

As recruitment ramps up and winter quarter bidding begins, are you one of the few first years still looking to paint the town red? Want to become a Booth legend but unsure how? Worry not, for we are proud to announce the 2017 ChiBus Challenge, the premier event of the school year, where first years battle for money, glory, and meet-and-greet slots. Second years who missed out last year and are FOMO-ing now are welcome too. Just win points by completing the following challenges to go down as one of the greatest legends of your class.

Entrepreneur (500 points): No, not NVC. Booth may have a Wine Club and an Epicurean Club, but what the world really needs today is a Booth Kale Aficionados Group.  Collect 5 signatures through a Change.org petition and organize a sit-in at the Winter Garden until Stacy Kole and the other top brass green-light a top Brassica Group. Acceptable alternates include the South-West Monaco Business Group and the Booth Pacman players Group.

Extreme Survivor (Vegetarians: 1000 points, Everyone else: 200 points): Eat nothing but free food for one week. By the end of the week, you may be permanently labelled “The Student Lounge Hobo” and firmly believe that a meal consists of a sandwich, chips and a cookie, but that’s $140 off student debt, FTW! Vegetarians who live to tell the tale, you have an inexplicable, boundless love for either eggplant sandwiches or plain cheese pizza.

Career Explorer (300 points): Passionate about the burgeoning second-hand light sabre industry? Unfazed by the visa restrictions? Pursue your passion and scour GTS for all the jobs in the sector! Network with professionals at all the many, many conferences, corporate conversations and lunch and learns in the space. Six months later, watch all your friends jet off looking forward to their internships while you’re looking for happiness at the bottom of a bottle. Remember that business school is a wonderful place to switch careers and follow your dreams – so long as your dream is Consulting, Finance or Tech. Follow-up 2018 challenge (100 points): Overcompensate and recruit for Consulting and Banking simultaneously. Watch what remains of your social life die a quiet death.

Thursday Night Drinking Czar (400 points):  Be the last to leave every TNDC throughout the year. On the plus side, you would have all the latest gossip even before we report it in this esteemed column. On the downside, you now lack a functioning liver and passing grades.

Money Back (200 points): Just spent the last class staring blankly into space while the three people in the first row seemed to be the only ones who understood what was happening? Feel that the famed academic rigour (and the over enthusiastic undergraduates) is too much for you?. Walk up to the Bursar’s office and ask politely for a refund. When they inevitably refuse, go back home, look up your outstanding loan amount and cry yourself to sleep.

Scrooge McPoint (100 points): Go through 3 quarters without spending a single bid point. At the end of the year, you will have 20,000 odd points that you can totally sell in the promising secondary market that is your class’s GroupMe group. Rejoice in the fact that while you haven’t learnt anything that you wanted to, you are now probably one of those mythical beings that beat the curve.    

 

Students who accumulate more than 1300 points will be featured in the classroom level hall of fame, are entered as wildcard candidates into the Dean’s search list and, this is the most important, get an all access pass to a month’s worth of TNDCs.

Mothers at Booth Starts Membership Drive

By: Patrick Burke, Class of 2017

HYDE PARK - Facing declining membership, the Mothers at Booth student group recently began a drive for members. Despite its free membership and preferred access to the breastfeeding rooms on campus, traditional recruiting has not yielded the expected numbers.

“We lost a lot of great mothers with the Class of 2016,” said Mothers at Booth co-chair Lucinda Parks. “We’re desperate for new members. We even looked into recruiting our own mothers, which is apparently not allowed.”

With few new mothers to choose from in the Class of 2018, the student group has proposed its next best alternative: creating moms out of current students.

“We’re going to need everyone to pitch in and start making babies,” said Parks. “It’s really going to be a collaborative effort with our male students. Our girls simply can’t do it alone. Think of it as an extracurricular opportunity.”

Parks described the campaign as a 9-month initiative. “If worse comes to worse, we have a deal worked out with the local Hyde Park sperm bank, but in the end we’re counting on our students to do this the old fashioned way.”

To hasten the initiative, the Mothers at Booth group has agreed to sponsor a TNDC in late November. The group is touting free tequila shots and $1 Deep Eddy vodka drinks. AudioBooth will be spinning a full night of R. Kelly and Marvin Gaye classics. Large paper bags will be available at the exit.

The men at Booth seemed especially receptive to the idea. “This might be my chance,” said a grinning Walter Francisco. “Usually I just stare at girls and hope for something to happen. My mom said it’ll happen one day. Sounds like she was right!”

The Admissions Department has also been supportive of the campaign, offering discounts to potential future Booth students.

“We think this initiative might yield our highest qualified candidates ever for the Class of 2042,” said Kurt Ahlm, Associate Dean of Admissions. “The specifics aren’t final, but we’ve discussed discounts as high as $100 per quarter. We’re calling it the ‘Booth Bump’ program.”

Mothers at Booth is anxious to get started. “We can’t think of a more exciting opportunity for students than having a baby during these two carefree years,” said Parks.

4 Unbelievable Historical Booth Facts That Will Blow Your Mindhole

By: Reid Miller, Class of 2018

1.   Internships were more competitive.

During the tenure of W. Allen Wallis, when internships were just invented, the normal procedure was to create a thunderdome / highlander competition. Weapons were primarily slide rules and used accounting textbooks as shields.

 Early Internship Survivors

Early Internship Survivors

2.  The school motto was misheard.

The motto “Let knowledge grow from more to more; and so be human life enriched” was actually over misheard by a professor taking a walk. The true motto is “Let my sick gainz grow from more to more; and so be my fams’ lives enriched”.

3.  International campuses were created for an important reason.

The need to escape the winter is real. The dean at the time gave a famous quote, “Sure, sure, being globally aware is great and all, but I don’t think they even get snow over there in Spain”.

4.   The iBid system was created as an experiment.

The Psychology and Economics department worked together to determine a system that would both test the mental fortitude of the students as well as game theory. The movie Water World was loosely based on the resulting fall into chaos, using paper as a euphemism for bid points.  

6 Recruiting Strategies Booth Won’t Teach

By Reid Miller, Class of 2018

1. Stand out in a crop circle.

Make sure you establish your dominance in a crop circle, intimidate not only your classmates but also the recruiter. Utilize boxing out and yelling - it is a battlefield. Leonardo de Connell gives his helpful hint: “When it’s an important event I put on a larger suit and stuff it with paper towels. I want to make sure I come across as imposing and physically large, like a monster of business.”   

2. Perfect your handshake.

Let the recruiter know you are the person for the job by matching your hand shake with your job. Mary Cumberbunch’s favorite for her accounting interviews is the balance sheet shuffle – have a $20 bill tucked between your middle and ring finger, when they go in for the shake they know you're all about transactions.

3. Be cautious of how you interact with recruiters.

Being interested in their company can be a turnoff for recruiters, play it cool. Remember they are hiring you, give them more of a tease. If you seem too needy, they won’t think you have any other prospects.

4. Don’t ask questions.

Asking questions both shows that you are interested in the company and that you don’t know everything which makes you seem dumb; you don’t want any of that noise. In meet and greets, Career Advisor Jakob Chen says to stare them down and make sure they engage first, it’s all about you anyways.

5. Update your resume with the most important means of communication.

Your email, phone number, and address are outdated means of communication. Make sure you include your Instagram or Snapchat account. If the firm is an older one, include Facebook. Adding Venmo is also beneficial  as that is the way you will be receiving your paycheck.

6. Learn everything you can about your recruiter.

Nothing says “welcome aboard” like blackmail, so make sure you get all the dirt you can--stalk them, hire a private investigator, do whatever you can to make sure you have the upper hand when it comes to your interview. Lucy Diaz says, “I utilized a honey pot method on Tinder and threatened to break up her marriage, was hired on the spot.”

What's News

  • First-Years begin furiously studying for the eventual B+ that everyone receives.

  • Study of Chalk system shows inverse correlation between user activity and job offers.

  • MCG co-chairs implement strict, emergency-only bathroom pass policy at recruiting events; members are encouraged to limit intake of fluids during recruiting season.

  • Donald Trump appeared uncomfortable and nervous in the town hall debate last Monday in his closest encounter yet with a room full of people not screaming derogatory chants.

  • Desperate second year student applies for McKinsey full-time position for senior janitorial associate; revises resume to focus on mops, brooms, shammies.

  • Non-Belgian Belgian Club co-chairs continue tradition of honoring Belgium with non-Belgian holiday celebration next week.

  • Hillary Clinton’s campaign employs a “simply don’t murder anyone or get caught doing cocaine” strategy to seal her election bid.

  • First-Year student with full SAT and GMAT scores listed in email signature still seeking Microeconomics homework group.

  • Locker rooms everywhere are rescinding their endorsements in the latest setback for Donald Trump.

  • First Coffee Hour with Dean Kole results in record amount of small talk endured, biscotti consumed.

  • CWiB grapples with Title IX lawsuit, considers allowing male members with longer hair and soft facial features.

Race for Highest Office in the Land Heats up

CHICAGO - This Autumn will prove to be a historic one, as we learn who takes the top political office in 2017. The race lies between the first-ever female candidate and an outspoken, yet inexperienced businessman. Both candidates have historically low approval ratings, with only a slight edge in the polls over able-bodied Porsche owners who park in handicap spots.

Many claim the eventual victor has big shoes to fill, as the previous administration is credited with stabilizing the community, deepening our relations with China, and growing our stature both domestically and abroad. In fact, surveys reveal that many would have chosen to keep the previous administration for another four years, given the opportunity.

Nevertheless, Dean Kumar’s departure from Chicago Booth has left a void that must be filled. Experts across the University contend that Deputy Dean Stacey Kole fits the bill and would bring parity to a job classically held by older, nerdy men. But businessman and kangaroo enthusiast Dean Doug Skinner is neck-and-neck in the polls with his more experienced adversary.

Despite her years of experience and apparent grooming for the role, questionable use of a non-chicagobooth.edu email address has left Kole susceptible to criticism in recent months. Investigators have also uncovered a complex web of financial transactions in her philanthropic organization, the Kole Foundation, used to purchase buffalo chicken paninis and Frescas at Kovler Cafe.

Supporters say Kole’s candidacy represents hope for a new generation of Deputy Deans around the country.

“I want to give all the little girl deputy deans - and little boy deputy deans - the hope that they, too, can doggedly claw their way to the top of a patriarchal system and be the leader of a Southside Chicago business school,” said Kole in an exclusive ChiBus interview.

“But we can’t risk another four years of failed policies from an outsider accountant,” she continued. “Now, I’m not saying that Doug worked at Arthur Andersen in the early 2000s and contributed to massive ethical and economic failings, but I’m also not saying that he didn’t.”

Interim Dean Skinner was quick to fire back. “Listen mate, I don’t know if I even want the post. True blue, I don’t know. In fact, my wife might not even let me take it. The Sheila’s got me by the knackers, mate! But… maybe I’ll take it.”

“But maybe not,” he added.

The Booth community, and indeed the world, will continue watching eagerly as the race shapes up in the coming weeks.

Patrick Burke is a second-year MBA student at Chicago Booth. His hard-hitting journalism has been featured in The Guardian, The Globe, and Synthetic Shingles & Aluminum Siding Quarterly trade magazine.

What's News

  • An aging robot diagnosed with rickets, pneumonia, and a missing heart claimed victory in the first presidential debate over her opponent, a racist wind-up doll found in a 1920’s-era time capsule.

  • Unspoken pact is formed between all returning students not to use first names until everyone remembers who is who; mandatory name tags in Winter Garden are being considered.

  • World’s largest petri dish experiment is considered success, with nearly 75% of first year class contracting at least one form of infectious disease at LOR.

  • Booth start-up Portefini Everyday Blazers makes a splash over the summer, with record sales in the coveted Lebanese identical twin segment.

  • Millennium Park Plaza staff eagerly looks forward to ignoring the names and desires of another class of Booth students.

  • Career Services issues new resumé guidelines to reflect Booth’s “fun and freewheeling” culture: bullet points should be replaced with baby farm animal emoji; suggested font is 24 point Comic Sans

  • Leaked RNC document reveals, in event of loss to Hillary this November, Donald Trump to replace orange, inflatable flailing-arm tube man in front of local New Brunswick, New Jersey car dealership.

  • Class of 2018 boasts record diversity: 42% female, 19% ambidextrous, 31% Capricorns, 24% albino.

  • Booth takes on leverage for first time in history to finance purchase of replacement name tents for second year students. Goldman Sachs led the deal; terms were undisclosed.

What's News

  • FIRST-YEAR STUDENTS prepare for three-month hangover following nine-month binge.
  • SIXTY PERCENT of graduates opt to frame U.S. News & World Report #2 ranking instead of diploma.
  • RANDOM WALK LEADERS diligently stalk their incoming first-year members on all forms of social media.
  • SECOND-YEARS look forward to Googling everything they learned at Booth at their new jobs.
  • STUDY REVEALS second-years can correctly recall 15% of squad members’ names, 0% of Little’s Law.
  • SECONDARY MARKET flooded with second-year wares, including designer Swedish furniture, unopened books, and gently-used animal onesies.
  • WARMER CHICAGO WEATHER gives out-of-town interns taste of FOMO to come.
  • SNVC VENTURE signs Michigan Avenue Drummer Boys to Def Jam record label.

Congress Passes Ban on Millennials

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a stunning turn of events, Congress passed sweeping legislation this week effectively banning all Millennials from serving in any leadership position in government. Congressional leaders asserted the generation’s judgement and maturity is unfit for self-governance. The bill, Unified Nation Facing Unparalleled Crisis of Kids, or U.N.F.U.C.K., passed both houses of Congress with unprecedented bipartisan support.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), the oldest ranking Senator, sponsored the bill. “We did our research on this one,” said Feinstein. “After reviewing over 300 hours of Snapchat messages, Kylie Jenner’s complete Instagram history, the current primetime lineup of MTV, and footage of an entire Justin Bieber concert, we are confident we’ve passed legislation in the best interest of these United States.”

Millennial hopefuls from around the country were markedly disappointed with the news. “But our government is just so boring!” said Millennial Shayna Smith. “I had all sorts of good ideas, like making the presidential election more of a Survivor: Washington D.C. process with host Jeff Probst, or putting the federal budget on Mint.com.”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) was supportive of U.N.F.U.C.K. “We gave careful consideration to this group of young adults, and after much thought and deliberation, have decided that it’s best if we just skip this generation altogether,” said Ryan. “We think we can ride out my generation for another 15 or 20 years and then move right on to Generation Frozen Elsa, or whatever they name it.”

“Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of a Ke$ha song?” added Ryan. “I mean actually listened to them? It’s like a Pitbull song but without the substance.”

Senator Feinstein was quick to add that Millennials will be able to serve in other capacities in government, just not in any way that might influence the future of the nation. “There are plenty of hourly positions available in secretarial staffs, janitorial services, or NASA,” said Feinstein.

President Obama is expected to sign the bill when it hits his desk later this week.

“I started my first term with a message of hope and optimism for the future. Eight years later, I’ve never been more wrong,” Obama said in a statement released by the White House. “The thought of Millennials at the reins is more terrifying than if Joey Biden actually had to take over for me at some point. Total dumpster fire.”

Speaker Ryan was confident that the transition of power from Generation X to Generation Frozen Elsa would be smooth. “If this latest election cycle is any indication, it’s clear that we have strong, unifying leaders that will bridge the gap for the years to come.”

What's News

  • GLOBAL WARMING ensured an unseasonably iceberg-free, buoyant Spring Fling.
  • TNDC CO-CHAIR HOPEFULS begin organizing Thursday night happy hours for internship offices
  • STORIES OF FREE HUMMUS responsible for highest admission yields in recent Booth history.
  • THIRTY-SEVENTH CAREER SERVICES EMAIL this quarter spurs first-year student to begin internship search.
  • SECOND-YEAR STUDENT finally finishes unpacking last box of spices and Tupperware from 2014 move-in.
  • SINGLE MAN quietly smirks at recommended serving size on Stouffer’s Family Size Lasagna.
  • ARMED FORCES GROUP PAINTBALL EVENT scares shit out of non-AFG members; reminds students to never, ever mess with AFG members.
  • BOOTH-KELLOGG RUGBY MATCH promises to confuse and delight football fans from both schools this coming weekend.
  • BIG PHARMA INTERNS are asked to diligently study monopolistic pricing strategy and antitrust law for summer-long test of ethical limits.
  • STUDENTS are reminded not to bring weapons to this weekend’s Battle of the Bands.
  • BOOTH OUTREACH rumored to be importing cotton candy, roses, and thousands of live flamingos for next weekend’s colorful party.
  • PHOTOBOOTH CLUB headshot day provides students opportunity to pay for professional selfies.

 

Volleyball Club Literally Reaches New Heights

 The Booth Volleyball Team stands in front of a red thimble for scale.

The Booth Volleyball Team stands in front of a red thimble for scale.

BREAKING - The Booth Volleyball Club is set to post its highest average height in over a decade upon a resoundingly strong recruiting season between winter and spring quarters. The team expects to break the 5’6” mark this spring, opening up a world of competitive possibilities.

“We were really stoked to add Victor Ojeleye to our team GroupMe. He boosted our average by a solid 1.5 inches” said Katie Trela, co-chair of the Volleyball Club. “It’s convenient that most of us don’t have to duck when we pass under the net, but we’re finally going to stop using that as criteria to join the team.”

The team is optimistic that its recently added membership will take it to new heights, with the hopes that they may even be able to win an individual game during next fall’s MBA tournament featuring several other top programs from around the nation.

Trela seemed confident describing the team moving into the heart of spring competition. “Having a few players that are able to get their hands above the net will really help us.  With that and regular training, we should be able to beat, at the very least, Sloan…bunch of nerds anyway. Wait, don’t publish that.”

Trela was equally excited to announce that for the first time, they will also have nets up at their annual beach volleyball tournament in June.

“We really think having nets this year will up the level of competition. Apparently last year they just brought a bunch of beer pong tables and blacked out at Castaways.  I mean, we’ll still do that, but the nets will be a nice addition.”

All signs point to an improved, prepared team. Trela also announced that the club had finished a year-long fundraising drive this April, finally providing them with the funds to purchase a volleyball.

Chicago Booth does indeed have a volleyball club!  If interested in joining, contact Jon Delich (jdelich@chicagobooth.edu), Katie Trela (ktrela@chicagobooth.edu), or Brian Tung (brian.tung@chicagobooth.edu).

  

Game of Booth

As second years wind down here at Booth, many of us say “I wish I could do it all again.” So I figured, it can’t be that hard to distill all of the magical experiences at Booth into a simple-to-play board game. So, I present to everyone, the Game of Booth. Grab some dice, grab some friends (or some of the kids that are running around Kovler), laugh a little, cry a lot, and enjoy the Game of Booth.

Rules:

  • Start $200k in debt (if you are sponsored, debt is when you owe a ton of money and you’re unsure about how you can ever pay it back)

  • Start with 15 Credibility Points. Be careful with them! Credibility tokens directly correlate to the prestige of the job you will get when exiting the Game of Booth.

  • Roll a die and move those exact number of spaces (remember, you have to sign the Booth honor code at the end of the game)

  • Every green spot is worth $10,000. Yes, it won’t really make sense when you play it, but I have yet to make sense of my personal finances in two years, so it’s a solid simulation.

  • If you run out of money, no worries! You can go into infinite debt at low rates thanks to my best friend Janet Yellen.

What's News

  • 5-hour ENERGY sues 300-minute Energy for copyright infringement.

  • CAMPUS SECURITY issues new mugging strategies, including “Politely Ignore”, “Play Possum”, and “Reverse Psychology”.

  • MPP RESIDENT finds dog to be too much responsibility; takes up taxidermy.

  • MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL reveals plans to double number of games per season.

  • MARKETING STUDENT rediscovers the joy of adjusting font sizes and margins to complete five page paper.

  • METRA issues style guide for knee placement on inward-facing benches.

  • THE CHICAGO CUBS begin season-long process of writing apologetic playoff press release.

  • OUTGOING TNDC CO-CHAIRS reveal drinking challenges for 2016 applicants: Popov Pong, Fireball Flip, and Malort Chug.

  • WARMER SPRING WEATHER finally gives students reason to miss being outdoors.

  • MPP FURNITURE FUTURES MARKET plunges on news of upcoming graduation.

  • KOBE BRYANT ends storied career to spend more time with his collection of mirrors.

  • BOOTH BIRTHDAY PARTIES see noticeable uptick in merger activity driven by drink special cost savings and social network synergies.

  • KODAK shutters digital business, doubles down on film, citing strong YoY growth from the hipster demographic.

Obama Interviews At Booth

HYDE PARK - President Barack Obama reportedly interviewed at The University of Chicago Booth School of Business on April 7th for a spot in the Class of 2018, according to sources. Leaked documents show that Obama spent several unaccounted hours in the Harper Center while he was in Chicago for a Law School lecture.

The White House officially offered no comment on the matter. A staff member, wishing to remain anonymous, told Chi Bus that the Law School lecture was actually an elaborate ruse to cover up the interview. “It was never about the law school,” the source confided, “he was just there to answer some behavioral questions and evaluate his fit with the full-time MBA program.”

Obama reportedly took a tour of the campus before his interview, led by first-year DSAC member Harry Azalea. “I’ve had some eccentric personalities on my previous tours, but I wasn’t expecting the leader of the free world,” he commented. “He kept comparing our artwork to the White House, which seemed sort of unfair.”

Pundits have suggested that the 43rd President of the United States is looking for opportunities after his current post runs its course. “I would be nervous about my qualifications, having accomplished absolutely nothing in two terms,” remarked television personality Bill O’Reilly. “He essentially has an eight year hole in his resume. I would hate to have to explain that one in an interview.”

“He does have the Muslim thing going for him, though,” he added.

A source at GMAC revealed that Obama’s verbal GMAT score is in the upper 90th percentile. His quantitative scores, however, suffer from poor performance on fractions, decimals, and percents, as well as mediocre scores on combination and permutation problems.

The source also revealed that his response to every Analytical Writing Assessment question included themes of equality, hope, and affordable health care, regardless of the prompt.

If admitted, Obama is expected to move back to his former Hyde Park neighborhood; however, there is a chance he relocates closer to the student body.

“We don’t reveal information about any of our tenants, but I can say that the Secret Service was inspecting one of our two bedroom units,” said Millennium Park Plaza property manager Ms. Terry Patrick. “We also gave them a tour of our world-class business center and our room full of treadmills.”

Should he matriculate, Obama is considered a shoo-in for GBC president.  “It’s reassuring that we’ll have strong leadership in the coming years,” said current GBC president Elizabeth Gosselin. “But he has some big shoes to fill. I just hope he has a cooperative slate of leaders in the other branches of student government. We can’t afford partisan gridlock at Booth.”

Student groups are already eager to solicit the membership of the president. Obama is expected to join Booth Basketball, the Health Care Group, OUTreach, AAMBAA, and the Public Speaking Group. The Strategy Games Club hopes to claim him for their weekly Settlers of Catan game, and the Yoga Club is anxious to see the former Commander in Chief’s downward-facing dog.

Booth’s admissions office offered no comment on Obama’s candidacy, but stressed that each candidate undergoes the same scrutiny as everyone else. “We use a rigorous process evaluating professional accomplishments, standardized test scores, personal achievements, and the outcome of a random number generator to determine admission,” said Kurt Ahlm, Associate Dean for Student Recruitment and Admissions.

“Our third round applicants have typically not fared well.This individual would have to have really outstanding credentials and professional accomplishments to set himself apart.”

What's News

  • REFRESHED SPRING BREAKERS return to Booth with souvenirs, hangovers, communicable diseases, and chemical dependencies.

  • VICTORIA’S SECRET pairs with DasaniⓇ and SaltineⓇ crackers to launch new diet plan.

  • FIRST DAY ADMITS begin exciting process of developing lifelong friendships, tolerance to boxed lunches.

  • CHRISTIANS IN BUSINESS group unveils new “Pray for the Curve” initiative launching this quarter, following successful “Pray for a Mild Winter” campaign.

  • UBER breaks through Amish transportation and food markets with BuggyShare™ and UberChurn™.

  • MPP RESIDENT not ready for responsibility of houseplants; starts with empty picture frame.

  • BOOTH ADMINISTRATION quietly adds separate heating and cooling, floor sweeping charges to tuition bills.

  • CONFLICTED STUDENT accepts banking position featuring drab cubicle in suburban office park; formally rejects dream job due to slightly lower pay.

  • LOVESICK MAN eager to reunite with girlfriend for summer to blame someone else for filthy apartment.

  • DISILLUSIONED FIRST-YEAR still thinks grades matter; friends and family stage intervention.

  • SECOND-YEAR triumphantly declares that she finally understands Booth iBid system.

  • FEDERAL TAX JUDGE rules replacement name tents are valid education deductions for 2015 returns.