HYDE PARK - President Barack Obama reportedly interviewed at The University of Chicago Booth School of Business on April 7th for a spot in the Class of 2018, according to sources. Leaked documents show that Obama spent several unaccounted hours in the Harper Center while he was in Chicago for a Law School lecture.
The White House officially offered no comment on the matter. A staff member, wishing to remain anonymous, told Chi Bus that the Law School lecture was actually an elaborate ruse to cover up the interview. “It was never about the law school,” the source confided, “he was just there to answer some behavioral questions and evaluate his fit with the full-time MBA program.”
Obama reportedly took a tour of the campus before his interview, led by first-year DSAC member Harry Azalea. “I’ve had some eccentric personalities on my previous tours, but I wasn’t expecting the leader of the free world,” he commented. “He kept comparing our artwork to the White House, which seemed sort of unfair.”
Pundits have suggested that the 43rd President of the United States is looking for opportunities after his current post runs its course. “I would be nervous about my qualifications, having accomplished absolutely nothing in two terms,” remarked television personality Bill O’Reilly. “He essentially has an eight year hole in his resume. I would hate to have to explain that one in an interview.”
“He does have the Muslim thing going for him, though,” he added.
A source at GMAC revealed that Obama’s verbal GMAT score is in the upper 90th percentile. His quantitative scores, however, suffer from poor performance on fractions, decimals, and percents, as well as mediocre scores on combination and permutation problems.
The source also revealed that his response to every Analytical Writing Assessment question included themes of equality, hope, and affordable health care, regardless of the prompt.
If admitted, Obama is expected to move back to his former Hyde Park neighborhood; however, there is a chance he relocates closer to the student body.
“We don’t reveal information about any of our tenants, but I can say that the Secret Service was inspecting one of our two bedroom units,” said Millennium Park Plaza property manager Ms. Terry Patrick. “We also gave them a tour of our world-class business center and our room full of treadmills.”
Should he matriculate, Obama is considered a shoo-in for GBC president. “It’s reassuring that we’ll have strong leadership in the coming years,” said current GBC president Elizabeth Gosselin. “But he has some big shoes to fill. I just hope he has a cooperative slate of leaders in the other branches of student government. We can’t afford partisan gridlock at Booth.”
Student groups are already eager to solicit the membership of the president. Obama is expected to join Booth Basketball, the Health Care Group, OUTreach, AAMBAA, and the Public Speaking Group. The Strategy Games Club hopes to claim him for their weekly Settlers of Catan game, and the Yoga Club is anxious to see the former Commander in Chief’s downward-facing dog.
Booth’s admissions office offered no comment on Obama’s candidacy, but stressed that each candidate undergoes the same scrutiny as everyone else. “We use a rigorous process evaluating professional accomplishments, standardized test scores, personal achievements, and the outcome of a random number generator to determine admission,” said Kurt Ahlm, Associate Dean for Student Recruitment and Admissions.
“Our third round applicants have typically not fared well.This individual would have to have really outstanding credentials and professional accomplishments to set himself apart.”