by Thiago Kodic '16
Eerily premonitioned in an April Fools “funny joke” from TNDC itself, the laughs have turned against the comedians in the most recent twist of fortunes at Booth. Under the justification that TNDC “is not fun enough”, the top brass at Harper Center have decided to take the frosty beverages into their own hands, nominating hard-hitting Academic Services mogul Christine Gramhofer as the new Senior Director for Hipster Almost-End-of-Week Ingestion Recreation Evening, or HAEWIRE, as the project was codenamed internally. In her words, “This marks a significant change in the historical relationship students have had with TNDC. We will be contributing a significant amount of data and flexibility, based on years of research. Our objective is to help students maximize their utility and “get it done” as efficiently as possible - for whatever criteria applies to each person”.
After the school conducted some undercover work, they realized there was a lot to be done in maximizing the student enjoyment at TNDC, from pre-registration on Booth Groups 24 hours in advance, to making sure everyone had a cab-buddy to get home safely. One of the most surprising findings came from in-depth laboratory work. Every week the secret agents would take home with them a sample of students’ coats to analyze the toxicity of the underlying particles, destroying the jackets in the process. Their discovery was shocking: they found amounts of cinnamon well beyond safely acceptable levels.
The faculty concluded that students were conducting cinnamon challenges as some sort of sick drinking game, and vowed to bar the presence of any cinnamon-related material at TNDC venues. “Students’ health is a high priority for us, and our data shows that students who have ingested large quantities of cinnamon have lower levels of attendance the following day - clearly having some type of reaction to the ingredient” mentioned a school representative.
Outgoing and extroverted TNDC co-chairs had mixed feelings about the change in leadership – “Welcome to the dark ages and say goodbye to fireball” said TNDC co-chair Yunus Jaffrey, directly quoting Shakespeare, while another co-chair had the following to say, off-the-record: “I think there is the potential to achieve great things with TNDC under the new leadership of Christine. Also, is there any way I can get a spot in Dubé’s class?”.
I, for one, welcome our new TNDC overlords.