GSB News Articles
JBSA Now the JGBC
New Name and Logo Better Represent Group's Purpose
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The Jewish Business Students Association (JBSA) has just adopted a major new initiative. The organization is changing its name to the Jewish Graduate Business Council (JGBC). This name change is more than just cosmetic. The current JGBC leadership believes it signifies the real changes that the organization has undergone in the recent past, and more accurately reflects the goal of the organization going forward.
Editor's Mail
I just wanted to say that I think Patrick Connors really stinks. I mean does this guy even know how to write? Besides his butchering of the English language, I also heard that he has really bad body odor. Please do me a favor and remove him as co-editor of the newspaper.
Bain to Get New Name
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Following a recent survey of industry CEO's which indicates that having a really nifty, preferably long name is a key factor in choosing a consulting firm, Bain and Company announced yesterday that it would seek a new moniker for the firm. "We have the shortest name of the top tier firms" explained CEO Orit Gadish.
Christmas is Officially Canceled
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After the economy took a nosedive at the end of last year, rumors circulated that there were increasing financial troubles in the Arctic. Now it appears that analyst predictions were not nearly pessimistic enough. NorthPole & Company CEO S. Claus announced yesterday that earnings for Q1 2001 would not meet expectations and that he anticipates the market to remain soft for the rest of this year.
New Water Park Campus Planned
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Citing cost concerns and space limitations, we decided to not build the new integrated campus at Woodlawn and 58th Street. Instead, we will build a world-class integrated campus / water park / airport / theme park on lake front property in Hyde Park. According to Deputy Dean John Huizinga, the proposed location offers the GSB an incredible opportunity to meet the needs of both students and faculty.
Pastor To Select Fama Over Greist for Investments TA Position
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In a departure from the expected, Chicago Business has learned that Assistant Professor Lubos Pastor will select Professor Eugene Fama over GSB student Revere Greist to serve as teaching assistant for the forthcoming Investments class. A formal announcement is scheduled for later this week.
New Class Announcement
Do you work at a dot-com that... ... Just closed a $17 Million round of funding? ... Has a shaky revenue model that has no chance at profitability? ... Has a business plan with no underlying economic principles? BUS 444: Driving a Dot-com into the Ground Professor Jason Heltzer Partial Syllabus Week 1 Setting up Recruiting children, obtaining expensive office space.
The Dating Game Part 3
Give Love a Chance
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Alright folks, last year I tried to do something like this twice with little success. So here it goes—one last time before I blow this pop stand. You see, I'm a romantic. I don't believe in riches, I don't believe in fame, I don't believe in efficient markets—but I do believe in love.
When Funniness Kills
Mr. Community's Humor Turns Deadly
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Under increasing pressure from the Editors of Chicago Business, writer Mike Terpstra increased the humor intensity of his 'Mr. Community' column to laughtastic new levels in the last issue of the paper. Already regarded as the "funniest column in the world" by a majority of the business school students on campus, the startling and seemingly impossible boost in hilarity brought Terptsra's column to a dangerously funny level by rehashing every side-splitting bit that he had extracted from his rectum throughout the year.
EVC Announces LBO of the HTG
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The Entrepreneurship and Venture Capital (EVC) Group announced on Wednesday the leveraged buy-out of the GSB High Tech Group (HTG). "High-tech valuations are extremely low," remarked tall EVC co-chair Scott Van Duinen in an article published in the Private Equity Analyst.
General Binding Corporation Sues GBC
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Northbrook, IL office products concern General Binding Corporation (GBC) filed suit in US district court yesterday alleging that the GSB Graduate Business Council (GBC) has violated trademark statues and encroached on its brand name. Founded in 1947, GBC is a worldwide leader in designing, manufacturing and marketing branded office products, office equipment and related supplies, and thermal laminating film.
GSB Men Are Hot!!
Independent voting confirms surprising conclusion
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Surprise! GSB Men Are Hot The votes are in, GSB Men are Hot!! In a surprising finding, an anonymous reporter refuted the standard claims of the GSB women that the men of the GSB are not worth getting any part of your anatomy moistened for, as evidenced by frequent claims such as: · "The odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Hamada Sighted on Campus!
Elvis to Play Brats 'N Brew
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At 2:23pm, Monday, March 26, 2001, first-year student, Tim Weatherly, saw something that very few students at the GSB have ever seen. "There I was," Tim said, "right outside of Stuart Hall, when I saw something or someone moving near the bushes." At first, Tim thought he had spotted one of the many rabid squirrels running around campus, or maybe a small, rat-like Chihuahua dog.
Harddrive-RAM Disease Sweeps Through GSB
Hundreds of Healthy Computers Culled
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The outlook turned grim Tuesday when GSB officials confirmed the 200th case of the highly contagious Harddrive-RAM disease. The sinister illness has spread unchecked through GSB computers in Stuart, Rosenwald, Walker and Regents and has precipitated a destruction programme that aims to stem the proliferation.
New Campus To Open in 2030
Location and Design Unknown At This Point
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In a lavish ceremony outside Rockefeller Chapel, Dean Hamada happily announced that the new, fully-integrated campus will open in the fall of 2030. "This is a happy day for the GSB and the University of Chicago," stated Dean Hamada. "Although most of the current faculty will be deceased or incapacitated when it opens, their spirits will inhabit this new, beautiful complex.
Stupidity Accepted Here!
Student Leaders Praise GSB's Commitment To Diversity
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In a stirring press conference yesterday, Dean Robert Hamada announced the GSB's latest recruiting initiative—the drive to attract stupid, unmotivated and inept students. "Over the past few years, the quality of our students has risen dramatically. We felt that the GSB body had become too homogeneous, too uniform.
Simple Philosophies
Traveling Abroad
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Realizing I travel quite a lot for work, Sir Johnathon asked me to compile my top ten pearls of advice on international sojourns. I don't claim to be the expert, yet I wouldn't take on such an important task if I didn't think I could make a contribution, if I didn't think I could make an indelible impression.