The University of Chicago, Booth School of Business today announced that it had hired the Sorting Hat to join the Career Services team with immediate effect. The Sorting Hat has a long history of success at Hogwarts, allocating students to houses based on a rigorous thirty second conversation. Its role at Booth will pivot a little bit, focusing instead on those pesky students who lack clear career goals.
Julie Morton, Associate Dean of Career Services and Corporate Relations, AKA Empress of Employment outlined her rationale in the following excerpt:
“While Booth’s historic success was heavily linked with finance and economics, in recent years it has successfully gravitated to providing opportunities and success across a wide range of industries. This in itself is a direct consequence of their acumen in finance - diversification is after all straight from the finance playbook.
However, an unintended consequence of this increased breadth is that students aren’t always sure about what industries they want to spend the rest of their lives toiling away fruitlessly in. Career services officials realized that while most student indicate clear career goals on their admissions essays, that often doesn’t represent their aspirations in reality (gasp). Upon further research, the school realized that while this level of fraud seemed to be unprecedented, it was a widespread issue afflicting business schools across the country.
Realizing that these aimless students were a sunk cost, we realized that the school would need new innovative measures to service their needs. Recognizing that Artificial Intelligence was an increasingly used (or claimed to be used) tool, we (but really me) saw an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone: prove that Booth used cutting-edge technology in all forms, and also serve those students who would otherwise drag those critical admissions statistics down. After an exhaustive search, we honed in on the original Artificial Intelligence system, one that could also double up as a career adviser - the Sorting Hat.
The Sorting Hat comes with a vast track record of consistent success, rapid decision making, and pivotal participation. However, it also has limitations that we will need to work within. For example, it can only output into 4 different categories based on personality traits, and this therefore will need us to simplify and categorize career aspirations based on these 4 core traits:
Gryffindor → Entrepreneurs and Social Impact: Courageous fearless, stubborn - even when data and society stand against them
Slytherin → Finance (Bankers, IM, PE): Slick, looking out for #1, all about the Green
Ravenclaw → Consultants and Corporate Strategy: Cerebral and Strategic with tons of intellectual pontification
HufflePuff → Technology: Seeking work-life balance and community
We recognize that this is a simplistic and high-level classification. We would like to reiterate that the Sorting is merely the first step of the journey at Hogwarts Booth, and that career services will work with you after to find the opportunity that works best for you (unless you’re Neville Longbottom).”